Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pulled Me Back In!

For those not familiar with the above quote, it is a line from the Sopranos, where Silvio Dante was mocking Michael Corleone, in The God Father.

I just thought it was an appropriate title for my post tonight, considering I just received my latest musical treasure from Amazon. com. It's called Mob Hits - Music From And a Tribute To the Great Mob Movies. Oh yes dear readers, it's Mafia Night at Melissa's Meanderings tonight.

Now, I don't know if this coincides with your musical tastes or not, but I just love this stuff. I used to hear this kind of music back in the sixties, especially when visiting my aunts up in Pennsylvania. Although my family is not Italian, we are talking about Italian/American crooners here. Singers like Dean Martin, Jerry Vale, Al Martino, Julius La Rosa, along with Rosemary Clooney, Lou Monte, and Loui Prima. If you've ever seen The God Father trylogy, or any of Martin Scorsese's mob movies, like Good Fellas, or Casino, then you know what I'm talking about.




But it get's even better. Mob Hits wasn't the only CD treasure I received. I also got two great Frank Sinatra CD's; Classic Sinatra - His Greatest Performances 1953-1960, Sinatra - Nothing But The Best, and Dino - The Essential Dean Martin. Oh, how I love Frank and Dino!

So I'm probably going to be on a mob music jag for the next few days. Please forgive me if start sounding like Paulie Walnuts. And speaking of the Sopranos, who can ever forget that great scene, where Tony wanted to buy some waterfront property, but the owner didn't want to sell to him, so he had his thugs park their boat in front of his house and blast this on their high powered system during his dinner party:




Melissa XX

Well It's 5:30 AM & This Insomniac Is Still Up

I just went out on the rear deck, and the first light of day is illumiating
the sky, and the birds are all going completely insane! Mothra seems to have retreated into the trees; probably I pissed her off, when I wouldn't let her in.

Caroline, Lisa and Lucy Are Going To France!

Caroline is already on her way, and I suppose Lisa and Lucy will join her later. Three UK sweethearts all! Unfortunately, I won't be there with them. It sucks to be half way around the world! It seems like most of the girls I've befriended here on blogger, are either in the UK or Europe, or on the west coast of the US or Canada. Curiously, Sophie is the only girl who blogs here, that I have ever met in person. As far as I know, she and I are the only ones in our local support group that have blogs. There may be others, but if there are, I haven't heard of them.


I would love to hop on a plane, and fly to France to be with Caroline, Lisa and Lucy, but I don't even have a passport. I was so wedded to my job before I retired, and my vacation time was so limited, that I never even thought to get one. Now I'm not even sure if I could get one if I wanted to. Ever since 9/11 both state and the federal governments have passed ridiculous restrictions on obtaining new official identification documents, as if the average US citizen is a prospective terrorist. Now, in order to get a simple driver's license, you have to produce a birth certificate, and a foreign birth certificate is not acceptable. I was born in Germany. My birth certificate was not only issued by German authorities, it is also written in German. Of course I was born of US parents, but how do I convince authorities of that? I have US Army discharge papers, but they are considered secondary documentation, and not accepted as a primary source of ID.

But all of that is neither here, nor there. I'm sure a way could be found around all of the obstacles our silly politicians have put in our path to ensure their constituents that they are "doing something serious" about the threat of terrorism. What bothers me most, is that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy are all seriously engaged in transition. Lucy is living to the full, Caroline is now on hormones and has just begun her RLE, and Lisa is just now beginning her full time experience. I am not even close to what these three girls are doing. I'm still half in the closet. I crossdress at home, and for support group functions, and a few other limited outings, but I could never travel abroad as me. Even if I had a valid passport, I would have to go as someone none of you would ever recognize; a 6' 2", bald headed, 61 year old male with a facial shadow, and I would just hate to do that. I know that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy would completely understand, but still, without being able to be me the whole time, I would be very uncomfortable.

I hope that all doesn't sound too neurotic. I suppose that's just something that a non-transitioning transsexual has to learn to live with. Unfortunately, some of us will always be on the outside looking in. I know there are older women who have transitioned, but let's face it; one's circumstances have to be right. You just reach a point of diminishing returns. There has to be a reasonable prospect for a truly realistic outcome, in order to undertake such a drastic change in one's life. I know that some of you have given me the sweetest compliments on the way I look, but you have only seen me in pictures. It's all an illusion. I am large! I have to wear a wig to cover my completely bald pate, which is so big, that I don't have enough remaining hair to rob from, to cover it all. This all could have been prevented if I had the proper resources when I desperately wanted to transition thirty years ago, but they simply weren't available then.

Well, life goes on, and we simply have to adjust, and learn to live with it the best we can, but my own circumstances make me so sympathetic to all of my sisters. I do adore you all so much, and wish nothing but the best for you! I will always be there to support you, in whatever you think is best for you!



On a more urgent note, I think Mothra is outside my window, and wants to come in. She has seen the distant glow of my lamps and computer screen in the night's darkness, and has been inexorably drawn to them. She's been violently flapping her wings against my screens, in a futile attempt to come inside for the last several nights. If she wasn't Mothra I might consider inviting her in. After all, my house seems to have been adopted as a home for most of her smaller cousins, and I don't really mind them at all, until I'm in bed, and the only light in the house is my bedroom TV. Then they tend to be very annoying, wanting only light upon my television screen while I'm trying to watch something boring to help me fall asleep. But she is a moth of a different color. I know she is a sympathetic character, but she is huge and has a horrific reputation for destruction. I don't dare let her in.

Melissa XX

I Went To My Mom's Tonight

I know.......I normally go on Monday evenings, but Mom had visitors she wanted me to see. My Aunt S, and my cousin R, came down on the train from Pennsylvania for a couple of days. I see my Aunt S at least once, if not twice a year, but I hadn't seen my cousin R since 2002, when I went up to Pa., for one of my aunt's funerals. That was the first time I had seen her since just after I had graduated high school in 1966, when she was just a sprightly six year, old slurping on Popsicles, and laughing her innocent head off! Now she is a lovey confident fifty year old woman, and I feel so old and inadequate! Still it was wonderful to see her again. Because we were an Army family, we were always on the move. Consequently we only saw our cousins once in a blue moon. Most of them grew up together in Pennsylvania, and know each other very well, but my sisters and especially me, were the estranged ones.

My aunt invited me up for a big bash they have every year in mid July at their gun club. She lives in a rural area between Harrisburg, Pa., and the old family homestead in Wilkes-Barre. Apparently this is a no holds barred bash, where lots of beer and wine is consumed, guns are shot, and fireworks are set off. Oh, and I almost forgot, the men all go off into the nearby treeline to relieve themselves!

She doesn't know about me. How could I possibly tell her, I wasn't like her sons, and would never in a million years feel comfortable in a situation like that? She is a sweetheart and I have always loved her, but she had a family dominated by males, who were all very happy to be males, and she just assumes I am the same. The fly is completely on me, not her. The poor girl doesn't know any better. Still, I love her and was very glad to see her again.

Want to know what else I'm listening to tonight? I think told you a few posts ago, about how much I love Diana Krall. Well, here is another positively lovely number of her's:



Melissa XX

Thinking About Him Tonight. Was There Anyone Better?

Tonight I've been listening to CD's of Marvin Gaye. I've always loved his music, especially his stuff from the late sixties until his tragic and untimely death, but that's not to say that I didn't like his earlier stuff with Kim Weston, and Tami Terrell. Marvin Gaye, along with Smokey Robinson, epitomized the later Mowtown Sound, and both artists, along with the more progressive and psychedelic rockers, provided me with a groovy and familiar soundtrack, that comforted me forty years ago, when I was stationed so far away from home in Long Binh. Oh yes, the lengths we would go to, to try and prove we were men!

This came quite a few years later. In fact I had been home for over a decade when it was released, but how can you listen to this number, and not think he was just the coolest? Sorry for the poor video quality, but his voice is as sweet as ever!


Melissa XX

Tonight I Fell In Love With An Alien!

That's Zoe Saldana as Neytiri. Isn't she positively lovely? Wonderfully catlike, yet still possessing enough human qualities to make her very attractive to Homo....well...yes....sapiens too!

Yes...........if you haven't guessed it by now, I watched Avatar tonight, and of course Zoe Saldana's character is the one that I most identified with! Strange though, throughout the movie, my eyes kept welling up with a very familiar saline solution. How could it be, that I felt such an affinity for a fictional alien race, that lives solely in the mind of the film's director?

I loved it! It wasn't the 3-D version, just standard old 2-D, but because of the excellent computerized animation (the best I've seen), it had an almost 3-D like quality. But this story didn't need 3-D to be compelling. I have heard references to Dances With Wolves, and I suppose there are enough similarities to that great film, to make those kinds of comparisons, but this film stands on its own, and needs no referential props. All in all, a very entertaining and appealing flick. Too bad I didn't have a tab of Orange Sunshine to drop before watching it!

Now.............I've just got to get me one of those wonderful flying creatures, but unfortunately I lack the physical interface to bond with them. I suppose that's where the Orange Sunshine comes in!

On a side note, I seem to have lost my driver's license. I haven't carried a wallet in my back pocket for years. Not only was it completely uncomfortable to to sit on that great giant lump of leather and paper, but it just seemed like such a stupidly masculine thing to do, so I years ago I decided to forgo the wallet, and just carry my credit cards, driver's license, cash, and mobile phone in my front pockets. But apparently sometime last week, I reached into my pocket and inadvertently pulled out my drivers license, and now only God knows where it is. Now after thoroughly searching the house, and beseeching the lord in prayer, God seems very reluctant to tell me where I might find it, so today went to my local county Department of Motor Vehicles extension office, only to discover that they only do license plate renewals. All drivers licenses issues need to be dealt with either on line, or in person at the megacrowded DMV office in the next county, 30 miles away! On the the way out, the kind lady behind the counter gave me a two page document, listing the kinds of documentation I would need to present in order to obtain a new license. I looked it over and suddenly my heart sank. I didn't possess a single solitary document required on that stupid list. Thanks to the assholes who carried out the attacks of of 9/11, and our ignorant reactionary congressional representatives, all American citizens now have carry specifically certified identification papers with them to get a new driver's license. Screw the fact that you are a 61 year old American citizen, have had a drivers license all of your life, and have served 3 years as a soldier in the US Army, including two tours in Vietnam. Is it any wonder that people hate government, and it's ridiculous bureaucratic red tape? Grrrrrr.......

Melissa XX

I Just Discovered Another Musical Trasure.

Do you recognize the man above? His name is Gustav Mahler, and he is the creator of some of the most beautiful Romance music you will ever hear. I just discovered a most wonderful 11 CD boxed set of his works, by The Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra, The New York Philharmonic, and the Wiener Philharmoniker, entitled, Mahler - The Symphonies - Leonard Bernstein.

Leonard Bernstein was a favorite of mine when I was growing up. My deceased father, God love him, gave me an appreciation of classical music, by having me sit down with him on Saturday afternoons, and watching television broadcasts of Leonard Bernstein's, Young People's Concerts.

When I grew up, like most people of my generation, my musical tastes became progressively influenced by rock'n'roll, and I migrated away from classical music, Broadway musicals, and older jazz standards. Today my musical tastes are far more eclectic, and I have re-embraced the beautiful classical music that my father introduced me to all those many years ago.

My latest acquisition encompasses works from Mahler symphonies #1 - #10. It's just beautiful!



Another acquisition is Beethoven - The Symphonies. This Deutsche Grammophon production includes a five CD set, that encompasses Beethoven's symphonies #1 through #9. I've yet to listen to it, so comments will come later.

I also just got a CD of last winter's hit movie Avatar. I was just too lazy to make the 90 mile round trip to see it in 3-D, so I got the DVD instead. I'll let you know what I think of it.

Melissa XX

My House Is Crawling With Wolf Spiders.............

........and I'm quite concerned. I found another large one in the bathtub, when I returned home from my monthly transgender support group meeting tonight. The hideous thing didn't even try to run away, when he saw me peering down at him. The fool! I can just imagine what he was thinking, "Oh look at her! I'm sooo scared!" Wolf spiders can be quite sarcastic, you know. The night before last, one must have thought I was Little Miss Muffet, although I don't know why. I don't own a suitable tuffet, and I didn't have any curds and whey. I was siting in a wooden framed arm chair instead, just watching television, when suddenly the arachnid decided to descend from the ceiling on a thread of silk, about six inches to the right of my face! I caught the descending dark blur in the peripheral vision of my right eye, and instinctively swung my head around to see what it was. Now the spider was about two inches in front of my nose, and I don't mind telling you, that gave me quite a turn! What followed, was like a scene straight out of an old James Bond movie. I leaped out of my chair, and at that point I don't know who was more freaked out, me or the tarantula. It quickly dropped to the carpet, And I quickly grabbed my shoe. BAM! BAM! BAM!......BAM!........BAM!......BAM! BAM!

The things must be mostly liquid, because for all their freakishly large corporeal appearance, once you give them a sound thrashing, there is hardly anything left to recognize. Oh! By the way, the sarcastic one in the tub..........suffered a similar end.

The meeting went well tonight. I know I talked about teaching the girls to eat healthy, and taking a salad to our pot luck supper this time, but the day I planned to go to the store to get the fixings, all of the news shows were broadcasting the recall of packaged lettuce, because of possible bacterial contamination. Now the last thing I wanted to do, was make all of my trans sisters and brothers ill, so I cooked a ravioli casserole and a large can of mixed greens instead. My Blogger girlfriend Sophie, also brought some fresh veggies, and another girl brought a cucumber salad, so I must not have been the only one who thought we needed a bit of roughage.

We started the evening out with a conference call with our President, who was up in Pennsylvania recovering from her gender confirmation surgery. After a bit on the vice president's cellphone with the speaker on, the phone was passed around the room, so we could all talk to her personally. She only had her surgery on Monday the 3rd, so I couldn't believe that she was already discharged from the hospital, and in the nearby post-op halfway house hotel.

The topic of discussion tonight was coming out, and the impact on, and reaction of family and friends. After the pot luck supper, we all assembled our chairs in a circle, and everyone got to tell their story, and some were quite compelling. What surprised me the most, was the degree of acceptance that most people got from family, coworkers and acquaintances. Maybe the passage of time, and the good shows about being transgendered, i.e., the ones on The Discovery Channel and other similar networks that take the subject seriously, as opposed to the Jerry Springer type freak shows, have had an impact since the days that I cowered in fear of my coworkers ever finding out about me. I only wish that I could have been born thirty years later. Fortunately for me, my beautiful sister and my lovely niece were very cool about it when I told them! Tonight I also got a very sweet hug from one of the girls in the group, when she heard my story, about being hauled off to Walter Reed Army hospital by my mother, for questioning by the Army shrinks, after my teenage cross dressing was discovered back in the sixties. Very succinctly, she related it to being examined by aliens. Another emotional connection with a kindred spirit!

We were privileged to have two new members join us at tonight's meeting. One male to female, and one female to male. We are predominantly a male to female group, but we do have a few female to male members. I would love to see more female to males. The ones we have are very young. I'm so glad they felt comfortable enough to join us.

There is an infernal mosquito buzzing about the room just now, and I know she wants to make a cocktail of my blood. I have no intention of giving in to her..........what, with West Nile Virus and all that. I told her no! Not without a condom for her proboscis. She said, "But that wouldn't be fair! We couldn't exchange bodily fluids!" "Fair for you, or for me", I said. She buzzed off in a snit, then made several very close contemptible passes, and I tried to dispatch her by clapping her between my hands, but she is so quick!

Ah ha! I just got her! Nothing but a speck on the inside of my knuckle now! There are loads of mosquitoes around here this spring. I think it's because of all the moisture left by the big snows we had over the winter, and the sustained warm temperatures this spring. I keep the windows closed but they follow me inside when I, come in.

I just started watching the 3rd season of Mad Men on DVD, while riding my stationary bike. If you haven't seen this television series about ad men and their wives in an advertising firm on NYC's Madison Avenue in the early 1960's, then you don't know what you are missing. It is TV at it's best!

As I write tonight, I am being serenaded by, The Very Best Of Diana Krall. I posted her video of Cry Me A River, in a previous post. If you missed it, thumb back a few pages and listen to her. If you like old mellow jazz standards, you will love her.

Melissa XX

Houseflies

I've been chasing a housefly around for about a half an hour now. He's way too fast for me. I've taken several swings at him, but he's like Mahummed Ali. "Float like a butterfly", and all that. Fortunately the little hellion doesn't sting like a bee, but just buzzes around the room, annoying me as much as he can. He thinks he can outsmart me, but he's sadly mistaken. I'll get him in the end. I always do.

Here's a couple of houseflies, having fun!


Melissa XX

Cry Me A River

I don't know how familiar any of you are with Elvis Costello's wife, Diana Krall, but if you haven't heard her, you should take a few minutes to listen to this youtube video of her playing and singing Cry Me A River. She is wonderful! So much so in fact, that I just ordered The Very Best Of Diana Krall from amazon.com. In fact I ordered two copies, and plan on giving one as a gift to someone I care for very much.



Melissa XX

Apologies

Dear readers,

I'm so sorry that I have depressed you with such banal writings as of late. But it can't be helped. My muse has taken a leave of absence, and she has refused to tell me when she will be back....the bitch!

So here I am, left to my own devices, and not knowing quite what to do. My last post was a shamefully angry diatribe, bitching about the obvious. Anyone can complain about the irresponsibility of corporate entities, and their obsequious running dogs in the US congress. I don't want my blog to deteriorate into that kind of cynical vent. So, I apologize for allowing my political passions to overshadow the purpose of this blog, which is of course to discuss my own transness, not to mention that of other trans women and men. Oh sure, I will continue to talk about non-trans things in my personal life, but knowing that we all come from different political persuasions, I will try to refrain from politics.

Except for today, when I went to the grocery store, I've been en femme all week, and it's really been nice. This is especially so, since the daily temperatures have been steadily rising. Although I love the fashions of the fall and early winter months, especially the boots, corduroy, denim and leather, I just love the skin baring fashions of late spring and summer. This weekend we will get a really good taste of summer weather. Tomorrow it is foretasted to reach 87 ∘, and the following day it's supposed to get up to 90 ∘! Perfect weather to put my little short embroidered denim shorts to the test, along with a cute little white peasant top! I have also stocked up on short casual skirts for the summer. For years, I had such a hard time finding short casual denim skirts in my size, but in the last couple of years, I seem to have found a gold mine in Avenue.com! They have been a source of some very cute tops, as well!

I just wish I was six inches shorter. How depressing to have to always shop at the big girls store.

Next Friday marks the the May session of my transgender support group. We will be missing our truly lovely Madam President, who will by then be recovering from her dream come true surgery, up at the Papillon Center in Pennsylvania, under the skillful hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. Dr. McGinn, herself a MTF transsexual, was the subject of a TV documentary about a decade ago, when she transitioned.

I'm still trying to make up my mind what I want to bring to the pot luck supper next Friday . I have another frozen lasagna, and a frozen ravioli casserole, but I am still considering a tossed salad, although that will require a separate trip to the grocery store the day before, to ensure that all of the ingredients are perfectly fresh.

Decisions, decisions!

Melissa XX

I'll Have My Red Snapper Sauteed In Light Sweet Crude Please

If this doesn't sicken you, then I don't know what will. This is picture of my beautiful pristine Gulf of Mexico, despoiled by 210,000 gallons of light sweet crude oil a day, being spilled into it!

There are effective devices mandated by more responsible oil producing nations, that will remotely shut off the flow of oil in the event of a spill, but our business centric governmental representatives (read that as Republicans and shameless blue dog Democrats), thought that too much of a burden on corporate enterprise!

Well, I hope they enjoy their fetid, belly up Gulf shrimp, grouper and snapper, sauteed in a pan full of of light sweet crude! Sons of bitches!

Melissa (feeling terribly cynical tonight)

Oh, My Aching Muscles!

Lying dormant for six months isn't good. When spring comes and the yard work resumes, all of those muscles that had lain fallow over the winter have to be pumped up all over again. I know.....pumping up is not exactly something that we are particularly fond of, especially when it comes to upper body muscles, but when there is work to be done and no one to do it for you, there's not much choice. My legs stayed in shape over the winter, from riding my stationary bike, but I didn't realize how much my upper body had deteriorated, until I went out yesterday and pushed the lawnmower around for a couple of hours, and then went out again today and raked gravel off of my grass, back onto about 150 ft. of the road out front. The gravel had been pushed onto my grass, when snow on the road out front was plowed several times this past winter. The gravel had to be raked off the grass, or my lawnmower blade would have been destroyed after a couple of mowings.

The raking really took it out of me, but I also wanted to bring down and cut up the big pine tree limb, resting in the shoulder of another branch of the tree it broke out of during the last big winter storm.

If you click on the picture and enlarge it, you can see the limb in question, leaning against the tree it broke out of. The heftiest part of the limb is up in the tree, and out of sight.

I was worried about trying to cut this huge 10" diameter limb, while the bulk of it still rested up in the tree, so I tied a piece of coax cable I had leftover from when I installed my satellite system to it, and tied the other end to the trailer hitch hole on my truck's rear bumper, then I simply put the truck in gear and drug it to the ground.

The chainsaw that I got for an absolute steal from my support group girlfriend and fellow blogger, Sophie, worked like an absolute charm in dismembering this giant limb and it's branches. The saw, which I purchased from her for a third of the price of a new one, was in nearly brand new condition, and started up easily, with only a few pulls required. The blade was sharp, and it cut through the limb like a hot knife through butter. I wanted to cut up some more storm debris, but by then two hours of raking and limb dismembering had taken it's toll on my withered muscles, and I had to call it quits for the day for safety's sake. Handling a chainsaw is something I don't like to do when I am fatigued. The nearest hospital is a good forty miles away.

Melissa XX

It Was A Great, Albeit Exhausting Day Today!

The temperature was in the mid 60's (F), a perfect time to get outside and do little yard work. I didn't rake up any of the leaves last fall. For those of you who are regular readers, you know I had more important things occupying my mind at the time. You've seen the trees that tower all around this place. Keeping up with falling leaves is a major chore, that involves raking the entire yard every week for a month or more, until the last tree has finally sheds it's last leaf. Last fall, with my sister passing, I just couldn't be bothered with it all. So...I just let them fall to the ground, where they had lain all winter. I was hoping that mother nature would take her course, and that by spring they would be less of a problem to deal with.

Today it was finally time to do something with them. The crab grass that never ceases growing over the septic tank drain field lines, was sprouting foot high shoots above the leaves. So down to the shed I went, and broke out the trusty Honda, high back wheel push mower. I put a mulching blade on it last summer, so today I left the chute off, and the trap door closed on the discharge, to trap everything inside the mower housing, where the mulching blade could chop it all up.

Ha! I'll never rake again! The yard was covered in full size oak, poplar, maple, gum tree, and a multitude of other specie's leaves from last fall, and in just two passes with the mower they were all reduced to a fine mulch! A couple more years of natural bio-degradation, and they will add their molecules to the top soil.

It took about two hours of pushing that mower up and down the inclines of my back yard. In some places the leaves were so thick, that the motor stalled and I had to restart it. By the time I put the mower back in the shed, I was fairly well knackered, and soaking wet with sweat, but the yard sure looked good, and there were no more foot tall shoots of crab grass, for some stealthy little blood sucking tick to lie in ambush on, waiting to transfer himself to my unsuspecting leg.

Ticks! I hate them! They are the scourge of the wilderness. I've had two acquaintances hospitalized with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever after being bitten by ticks, and I have two permanent purple marks on my thighs, where Lone Star ticks latched on to me while doing yard work, and I didn't discover them until it was too late to easily remove them. I worried about Lyme's disease, but although there was inflammation around the immediate site of the bites for a while, there was no bulls eye rash. They are tenacious little buggers, and when you try to pull them off they refuse to let go, so their nasty little mouth parts detach and stay under your skin, where they fester.

Now days, I saturate my shoes and socks with Deep Woods Off insect repellent, before I ever step out into the yard to do any work, and once I'm done, off come the clothes, and a full body inspection ensues. I haven't found an attached tick in fifteen years (knock on wood!)

Tonight I was watching Glee. What a great uplifting show that is! And the talent isn't bad either. If you ever think that a feminine voice is impossible for someone born male, you have to hear Chris Colfer who plays the gay character, Kurt Hummel on the show. He has a lovely voice, and sings like an absolute angel! If you close your eyes, you have no idea that a male is singing.

Oh, and if you are looking for some very feminine Goth, Myth, Magical, Fantasy, or Romance styled clothing, jewelry, gifts, or accessories, check out PyramidCollection.com. They have some beautiful stuff!

Melissa XX

Hiding Our True Natue

Unless we're out and proud, we all do it.....hide little aspects of our transgenderdness. Today I was reading the latest blog from TiresiasRedux and her post brought it all home for me. Do I pluck my eyebrows too much to go out undetected in boy mode? Are there any traces of eyeliner left from last night, when I decide to go to the grocery store the next morning?

Tomorrow I have to go to my mothers for our weekly supper. Mom knows I'm TS, but has never once embraced it, nor has she ever seen me en femme, consequently she remains in complete denial about my true nature. Last week, because of another commitment, I begged out of going to supper, so I had an extra week to grow my nails out. I tend to keep my nails longish to begin with, and as long as I don't have to make any public appearances in male mode, I keep at least a few coats of clear nail polish on them.With two weeks since the last time I was at my mother's, they are just now getting to the feminine length that I really like. The trouble is, how do I go to my mom's with very girlish looking nails? They are sure to be noticed and will surely spark unwanted conversation. Normally, just before I leave the house on Monday evening, I will remove any polish I have on, and file my nails down to a length, that while not particular masculine, is not particularly feminine either. I hate doing that, and I don't want to file them down tomorrow for an hour and half visit to my mother's. I really don't want to take my nail polish off either, but then I don't want my nails to be the main topic of discussion at dinner.

I just hate these sacrifices that I have had to make all of my life, for the sake of other peoples comfort, and really, that is what it's all about. We who are trangendered, have no problem at all with out gender identity expression. It's always other's who freak out at the slightest exhibition of gender variance, leaving us to scramble to make sure we've left no telltale signs, that might upset their delicate sensibilities.

I don't want to create a scene, but I have half a mind to show up at my mother's tomorrow evening in full boy mode, but with unshortened nails, sporting a fresh coat of clear nail polish. My sister and my niece if she is there, will surely understand, but my mom and bro-in-law
will surely freak out, and that will in turn make me uncomfortable, so of course I won't do it, and I will secretly hate them for it. This is no way to live.

Melissa XX

I've Always Loved Sock Monkeys

This has to be one of the coolest commercials I've seen in a long time.

I Wouldn't Want To Be Like You!

We've all met people in our lives who have hurt or disgusted us. Some way more than others. I can remember several times in my life, when certain people seemed to go out of their way to hurt me. Ultimately I survive their attacks, but I afterward this feeling would always come over me, that I was glad I wasn't like them. Well, in 1977 along comes former Beatles/Pink Floyd engineer, Alan Parsons, with his hit progressive rock album, I Robot, and what should appear on it, but this tune:

I Wouldn't Want To Be Like You


If I had a mind to,
I wouldn't want to think like you.
And if I had time to
I wouldn't want to talk to you.

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.

If I was high class
I wouldn't need a buck to pass.
And if I was a fall guy,
I wouldn't need no alibi...

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.

Back on the bottom line,
Diggin' for a lousy dime.
If I hit a mother lode,
I'd cover anything that showed.

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do...
I wouldn't wanna,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I wouldn't want to be like you.

Those are the lyrics. Now listen to the real thing. It's much better when put to music.



Melissa XX

Reminiscing

I was just reminiscing about when I weighed only 170 lbs. That's 12.4 stone to my UK friends. That may seem heavy to some of you, but for someone who is 5'14" tall, that's pretty thin. It's been ages since I was that weight, and since then my weight nearly doubled at one time. Yes, I'm ashamed to say I ballooned up to 304 lbs.! Direct suicide is not always the result of not being able to resolve gender identity issues. My complete lack of resources and inability to transition in my early years, or to even connect with any other transgendered people, instead lead to a total sense of dissolution, that eventually almost killed me. In 2004 after several episodes of nearly passing out at work, I was diagnosed with type II diabetes, and knew that I had to make some changes, or I would be found dead at my desk one day. I began a regular exercise program, radically altered my diet to reduce saturated fats, simple carbohtdrates, and excess salt. The result was I lost 80 lbs., and brought my diabetes and blood pressure under control, without having to stay on the dangerous drugs that were prescribed to me. I've done pretty well ever since, but two years after retiring, I found that I had slacked off a good deal on the exercise, and had let my weight gradually rise to where my clothes were fitting very tight. I resisted the urge to buy larger sizes again, and redoubled my efforts on portion control and exercise. I've been making steady progress, and today I was pleasantly surprised that a pair of white denim capris that fit so well last summer, were a pretty good fit today! I still have a bit of a roll above the waistband that needs to go, but they looked especially good in the butt and the thighs! An hour a day on the stationary bike, can literally be a pain in the ass, but it really does make a difference when you stick to it.

And speaking of reminiscing:

I know I'm showing my age, but does anyone else remember sweating and grinding on a dance floor to this number? Written by Otis Redding and Jerry Butler, it appeared as the A-side of a 1965 hit single by Otis Redding - and subsequently appeared on his third album, Otis Blue: Otis Redding Sings Soul. (Links courtesy of Wikipedia)


Melissa XX

Where Is My Inspiration?

I'm sitting here sipping Cabernet, and listening to.........well, I thought I'd listen to Vivaldi's, The Four Seasons, played by La Scala Philharmonic, Riccardo Muti conducting, but apparently I left Dvořák's Seventh and Eighth in the CD player, and they are playing first. This is a mistake to be sure, but knowing how much I love Dvořák, I'm sure you can imagine just how thoroughly and utterly dissapointed I am........not! I can live with it. Vivaldi will be on soon enough.

Anyway, I was wondering just what am I going to tell you tonight? I didn't know.........I was thinking of talking to you about the new summer clothes that showed up in my mail box today, but you don't want to hear about that, do you?

What's that I hear you saying? Yes? You do want to hear about my new clothes? Oh! Bless you dear girls! You're really far too kind!

Well........I received not one, but two packages in the mail today! One containing a pair of five pocket guava stretch capris that had been back ordered for about a month. These will compliment the pale pink pair I got a month ago. The second package contained a really cute little pair of embroidered denim shorts. I'm going to love these when the really warm weather arrives! I love the fact that they are very short. The trend in shorts this year seems to be Bermudas that end at just above the knee cap. I hate them! They are so unfeminine, and do absolutely nothing to flatter the legs. It seems like every year we have the fashion faux pas of some poor misguided designer foisted upon us. Well........we don't have to accept them now, do we? What? We do? Just because all of the other girls will? I don't think so..........but then I've never exactly been a conformist either.

The next thing out of the package was a cotton Henley in a wine color. I got this to go along with the one I already have in orchid. They both look great with a pair of jeans, shorts, or capris. Great for casual spring, or summer wear. But...........the top I was really looking forward to getting.............the pièce de résistance, was this purple blossom ruffle blouse. It looks even cuter on, then it does in the picture.

Oh! I nearly forgot! This one also arrived to day! Its very similar, albeit a bit more colorful than this one that I got a couple of weeks ago.

Well, this concludes my blog entry about my new clothes. You can now go to my profile, download a picture of my face, paste it up on your wall, and throw darts at it. Some choice comments to contemplate while aiming for my eyes are, "Why you superficial, narcissistic bitch!" And, "Really Melissa, do you honestly think we give a crap about your ugly old clothes?" Or, "Come around here wearing that shit, and we'll throw theses darts right in your face, not your picture!"

Uh-oh, I think I just revealed mental health issues. I've got to be careful about that. ;-)


Melissa XX

Is It Possile To Scratch One's Eyeballs?

It seems that all of the trees are blooming at the same time. The result, other than a constant layer of yellow pollen on my truck, is a near constant miasma of pollen swirling through the air. My sinuses have held up fairly well this spring, just giving me a few sniffles, but my eyes are a different story.
See the lower picture? Well, that's my eyes! Except my eyes are brown, not the very pretty lavender shown above. I only wish!

They itch so, and I want to scratch them so much, but I can't scratch my eyeballs! I can however scratch the rims, just inside of the eyelashes. Ahhhh........what a relief!

Fortunately, my eyes don't look as bad as this little guy's. I thnk he may have liver problems.

Melissa XX