Change is good, so it's said, so after nearly 61 years of procrastinating, I finally joined a transgender support group. I just got back from my first meeting about an hour ago. This is definitely going to take some getting used to. Not that I have anything against any of the other girls in the group, they are all very nice people, it's just that I've been such a loner most of my life, and especially for the last twenty years. The extent of my socializing was going to work and occsionally seeing extended family members. Now I've put myself in a position, where I not only have to socialize with total strangers, but I have to do it as my female self, and or the first time in my life, I feel awkward as Melissa.
I used to go out presenting as a female occasionally, when I was in my late twenties and early thirtes, but it was under entirely different circumstances. I used to book appointments at salons, and go spend a couple of hours, getting a facial and havng my hair, makeup, and nails done. That was a much more intimate setting, where I was always interacting directly with a genetic female. I loved those little outings, because I've always wanted to be more than just a girl; I wanted to be one of the girls. When I was in those salons, the girls working there saw me as a girl, and consequently they treated like one. I would walk in full of self doubts, but by the time I had spent fifteen minutes being treated like one of the girls, all of those doubts would vanish from my mind, and I would begin to feel like I truly was one of the girls.
I don't know how many of you have ever eperienced presenting yourself as a female around genetic females, when there are no males present, but I can tell you, it is the most wonderful thing in the world. Women act differently when men are not around. They are much less guarded in what they do and the things they say. They also display a wondeful female hierarchy, that is rarely ever noticable when men are around. In that setting, totally devoid of masculine influence, they are truly magnificent beings, and I always wanted to be a part of that.
I don't get that same sort of vibe from my trans group. This is a totally different animal. Although the goal of everyone seems to be the same; to be the females we've always felt we were inside, the feeling is entirely different. The members run the gamut from very feminine, to totally masculine, and that is regardless of whether or not they are on hormones or have had SRS. What struck me as most surprising, was the near total absense of any convincing female voices. I learned to affect convincing feminine voice, while still in my teens. I always used it when booking my salon appointments over the phone, and again while I was in the salons. I think that went a along way in helping the women in the salons feel comfortabel with me, and accept me as a girl. My female voice has become quite rusty from years of neglect, and I was looking forward to giving it some much needed exercise, when I decided to associated myself with this trans group. I have tried to use it on a couple of occasions now, but as soon as I hear the pesron I'm talking to repond in a fairly masculine tone, I drop my pitch as well. Why was it so easy for me to talk like a girl, when I was surrounded by genetic females, but doing so around these transwomen, seems so intimidating? I can see I have much confidence building to do.