Wednesday, October 7, 2009

And Now.... On A LIghter Note

Sorry everyone, I didn't mean to cast a pall on my blog yesterday, but sometimes you just need to unload some of life's pain. Thanks for bearing with me, and thanks for the kind sentiments all of you expressed!

Now on to happier things................check out my new silver bangle! I know, the picture stinks, but as soon as the leaves drop off the trees outside my window, this room will have much better lighting for my computer cam. Anyway, I have been looking for ages, for a bangle large enough to fit over my hand, and I finally found this one. It's a 3.25 inch inner diameter, sterling silver bangle, and it slips over my hand quite easily. I may actually be able to wear their 3.00 inch bangle but I like the size of this one. Standard size bangles at 2.75 inches, are just too small for me. So are standard 7.5 inch chain bracelets. I need at least an 8 inch size, in a chain. I might be able to wear a standard 8 inch hinged bangle, but most hinged bangles are pretty expensive. This bangle was just $42. I would like to get several more just like it, so I can stack them, but the place I got it from, Braceletsthatfit.com has had their website down for repair for several weeks now. I can't even access it to get a phone number to place another order. The girl who sold it to me, has emailed me twice to ask if I received it, and if the fit was OK, but my email replies to her have all come back, marked undeliverable. I don't understand how her server will let her send, but not receive mail, but there you have it.

Tuesday, it was time to take the trash to the dump again. I was dressed as you see me above in the green top, but with the addition of a pair of khaki, button cuff capris, and pair of black patent, buckle front loafers. When I pulled into the recycling center, there were two men with their pickup trucks backed into the two ramps at the Bagged Household Trash dumpster, and they were busy offloading bags of trash, and tossing them off the dock into the large dumpster down below. I pulled up to the recycling dumpsters about 30 yards away, got out and began carrying recyclable cardboard, newspapers, and magazines to their appropriate dumpsters. I had hoped by the time I was done, that both men would be finished unloading their trucks, so I could pull in and unload my bagged trash unmolested, but as I threw the last bag of recyclable cardboard packaging into the appropriate dumpster, I noticed that only one truck had pulled away, and the other guy was still busy offloading his. Well......I thought, this is going to be a good test of how passable I am. I drove the 30 yards over to the bagged trash dock, and instead of backing directly up to the dumpster, I parked directly in front of the ramp. I only had three bags of trash in the back of the truck, two small bags and one large one, so I got out and grabbed the bags out of the back of the truck, and walked up the ramp to the dumpster, on the right side of the man's truck. As he continued to unload his trash, I threw my bags into the dumpster. Then I turned around, and with my shoulders back, my head held high, and my hands reined in close to my body, I did my best ladylike walk back to my truck. As I opened the driver's side door, I looked back over the roof at the man, who just a few seconds ago, stood no more than eight feet away from me. Nothing! He continued to unload his truck, as if nothing unusual had happened at all. Apparently to him, I was just another middle aged woman, who had come to dump her trash!

I can't tell you how good that made me feel! Everyone who sees my pictures, tells me I look like a woman. In fact recently, I revealed that I was trans to a woman I have communicated with, on an internet message forum. She wanted to buy some new clothes, and commented that she couldn't find anything decent that she liked in her area's stores. I do a lot of on-line shopping, and I thought maybe I could help her out, so I sent her several private messages, with web addresses she could go to, and possibly find something she liked. She sent me several private messages back, thanking me for the tips, and finally another one, telling me that she had placed an order with one of the sites, and complementing me on my taste in clothing. I thanked her for the compliment, and told her I had a secret I would tell her, if she promised not to reveal it to others on the forum. She said OK, so I told her the reason I was able to give her all those tips, was because I was transgendered, and I shopped at those sites, then I enclosed this picture of me. (You've all seen it before):
She wrote back and said, "You don't look like a man at all!" I wanted so much to believe that, but every time I look in the mirror, every little flaw in my face stands out like a sore thumb to me. No matter how much concealer and foundation I wear, I think I can see a shadow, although I think it may just be shadows cast by the crummy incandescent lighting in my bathroom mirrors, because I see no shadow at all in my illuminated makeup mirror. I think it's just a natural paranoid response, to having lived as a male for so long, so these little encounters that have been turning out so well for me, have been good for boosting my confidence. I'm not ready for anything as intense as a trip to the grocery store yet, but who knows? A few more good close encounters, and maybe that's not too far off.

Melissa XX

7 comments:

Two Auntees said...

Melissa, with each of my encounters as Sarah I felt embolden to stretch myself, to go out again and again. Each success brought me ever closer to becoming comfortable living as Sarah.

Naukishtae said...

You know, because I told you.. if you just wrote a blog and were not out on the blog, NoOne would KNOW.. Melissa,, come on girl, you are beautiful.. think about actors and magic.. you look like a woman.. you think like a woman.. inside you have always been a woman.. people see what they expect to see.. if you believe yourself to be a woman.. people will belive it too.. they See What They Expect To See... you move, act, and look like a woman.. You Are A WOMAN.. it's just that simple.. I know, easer to say than to do.. It's Like that saying,"you are what you eat." You Are What You Believe Yourself To Be.. I am supprised, that when you looked back at him, he wasn't watching you walk back to the truck.. most men are pigs, and would not pass up a chance to watch a woman walk away.. Always believe in yourself Melissa.. AIways.. I believe in you.. It's always hard to look at yourself without seeing every detail, every suspected flaw.. every crack, line, and wrinkle.. but you will always be your worst critic.. Believe sweety.. Believe. You are who you believe yourself to be..

Love Naukishtae

Amy K. said...

First of all, there's no need to apologize, hun. Blogging is something that many of use to express ourselves and voice whatever may be getting us down. I've had quite a few depressing and/or dramatic blog posts lately. But then, there's not much else for me to write about lately, for that's the path I'm traveling right now. I'm just waiting for the turn-off!

I love the bracelet. Big bangles tend to compliment the arms and wrists since they look smaller in comparison. I know I may seem petite to you, but I know a lot of tricks as well. ;)

"Apparently to him, I was just another middle aged woman, who had come to dump her trash!" There's no apparently about it. That's who you are, and I'm glad you were seen that way. Go you! :D

The Crossdresser's Girlfriend said...

Have I told you that you are one of my favorite bloggers?
Well, you are.
You have a wonderful spin of words that I can clutch like a warm cup of tea. Beautiful as are you. I have to agree with the others. While you don't want to believe how passable you are, you really are passable. I think you should find other things to fill your pretty brain with.
Did you know I make jewelry? Well, I do and now that Iknow your measurements, I am going to make a bracelet for you today. Since I'm still feeling a bit like the lady the magician saws in half, I have nothing better to do than to watch Heroes and make something pretty. If you ever dare to give me your address I will mail it to you.
Big Kiss, Sugar!

Stephanie said...

Your very passable, Melissa. You, like all of us do to ourselves, see the flaws that no one else sees. I wrote yesterday that I was spotted as trans. Here's how it went. One man figured it out, nudged the other who turned to look. They looked at each other and laughed a little. I saw it, it hurt a little, and then all of us kept on doing what we were waiting in line to do. Moment over.
I didn't exploded into dust, or melt like the wicked witch, I just kept on keepin' on. It sounds to you like it would be hard, but that is what you need to happen to you. A few of those times will build your confidence in seeing that nobody cares and that it's just a moment in time. You'll be glad to trade that one moment of bad for all the good things that come from being out.
Ok, Rah, Rah, pep talk over! lol

Hugs,
Stephanie

Suzi said...

You've got it going on now girl. You just have to trust us when we tell you how pretty and passable you are. Keep stepping out...it's fun to explore the borders. :)Suzi

TiresiasRedux said...

I am going to have to agree with all of your other commentors. You look great.

And at the same time I totally know your angst. As a fellow middle aged (48), not yet fulltime transwoman I think we get wrapped up in what somebody else thinks all the time. I joke that being trans is all about worrying what is going on in somebody elses head, not yours.

Sharon