Thank you every one, for your kind words and support, on my last blog. Really, you are all too sweet, and I just love each and every one of you!
I just called my brother-in-law, and J is at least holding on for now. She has had several visitors today, and although she is as weak as a kitten, she has responded positively to them.
My brother-in-law was about to feed her some more apple sauce, when I called him a few minutes ago. Hopefully a bit slower, and more gently this time.
God...........this so hard! I love her so much!
It's not like we were all that close when growing up. We weren't, but not because I didn't want to be. I was the only boy in the family, and my mother didn't want me to be too close to my sisters, for fear of me becoming God knows what in her paranoid mind. She drew a line between me and my sisters, that has remained difficult until this day, for me to completely cross. Still, we did grow up together as brother and sisters, and I have loads of fond memories of our childhood.
One of my first, is when I was four or five years old. It was before my mother felt a need to separate us. R, who is almost five years older than me, and I were in her room playing together one day, when my twin J joined us. R said we should recreate a fairy tale, where we would play the characters. Since she was the oldest, and the most dominant of us three, she suggested we play Little Bo Peep. Well.........guess who she picked to play Little Bo Peep?
Yep! Your's truly! Now at four or five, I didn't even have a clue who Little Bo Peep was. I was just thrilled to play a game with my two sisters, so I readily agreed. R went into her drawer, and pulled out a blue dress, with white trim and a big white ruffled collar, and said, "You have to wear this." She told me to put my arms up, so I did, and she slipped the dress on over my head and up stretched arms. Once the girls had successfully put me in a dress, they both giggled with glee! The joke was on me! My twin J shouted, "We have to show Mom!" and she ran eagerly down the stairs, to find her, and share her joy over how they had tricked me into wearing a dress.
I began to panic. All I could think about, was the violent reaction my mother had a few months earlier, to an incident where some girls babysitting me, painted my nails. I was scared to death she would react the same. I needed to escape, but there was no where to go, so I cowered in fear in the corner, between my sister's wardrobe and the wall, and sank down to the floor. I could hear J and my mother talking as they came running up the steps. I just knew she would be angry, and I was scared to death, fearing she would blame me, and call me a sissy again. My heart was pounding when she came into the room. I just knew the end was near! Mom came in and looked down at me, cowering in the corner in my little blue and white dress. I was afraid to look at her, because I was so scared of what her reaction was going to be, but when I did, instead of the scowl I expected to see, she had the most endearing smile on her face. She actually thought I looked cute. I don't know what transformed her psyche in that moment, because all subsequent displays of femininity were met with extreme derision, but for that one moment at least, she seemed to enjoy it as much as my sisters did.
Even though I was the brunt of their joke at the time, I now look back on that day with fondness. My sisters were young and innocent, and they were just having fun. Having long since emerged from denial, and the fear of feminine expression that my mother had instilled in me, I now wish I had spent many more times playing with my sisters, even if it meant being dressed in their clothes. In fact I would have loved it, had we played out similar scenarios many times after that, but alas, we never did.
I dearly love both of my sisters. I have since come out to R, and she has been very accepting, but sadly, J will never know the real me.