Saturday, November 14, 2009

I Feel So Ashamed Tonight

Last night I posted about my intention to drive into town tonight, to visit the girls of my support group at the lesbian bar. Several hours after I got up this morning, I thought that trip was in jeopardy, because I just couldn't seem to wake up. This is not unusual for me. I am a night owl, and I never seem to feel fully awake until well after lunch, but when lunch was done today, I still felt like going back to bed! What to do? I decided to hop on the stationary bike, and get a good work out. Maybe that would wake me up.

Ten minutes into the ride, I began to question my strategy, because I found myself pedaling with my eyes closed. This is something that I am not unfamiliar with. When I was still working, I used to take a hour long walk around the finishing pond, behind the plant where I used to work each morning, and often found myself walking with my eyes closed, so I continued to pedal and eventually I woke up. By then it was close to 3:00 PM, so into the shower for a shampoo, a good hot scrub and an exfoliation. 45 minutes later, after brushing my teeth and gargling, I pulled out the Emjoi. It had been several days since my last epilation, and I needed to yank out all of the emerging hairs, that were spotting my body and limbs. Epilation, while certainly no longer painful, still takes time, and when I was satisfied I was sufficiently hairless, it was already 5:00 PM, and I hadn't even shaved yet. I use a Norelco, because with my 61 year old loose skin, and wiry facial hair, it has become nearly impossible for me to shave close with a blade, without lacerating my face. I can get pretty good results with the Norelco, but it takes about 20-30 minutes to get my face as smooth as it needs to be, for makeup application.

By the time I was done shaving, It was 5:30 PM and I still had to do my makeup and hair. Makeup took close to another 30 minutes, and then I realized, I needed to wear a new wig, that I hadn't yet trimmed the bangs on. I took out the new wig, clipped off the tags and put it on. The bangs hung down to way below my nose. Now I know some girls like their fringe to hang down in front of their eyes, but frankly that drives me crazy, so I got out the comb and scissors, and started trimming. When I was done, I began to feel hunger pangs. I'm a diabetic, and when I feel hunger, I know enough to eat a high protein snack, so I made a small choke and slide (that's a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, for those uninitiated in ghetto slang). I gulped, I choked and the PB&J slid on down! But when I was done, I looked up at the clock, and it was already 6:45 PM! I should already have been there by then, and I still had nearly an hour's drive.

To make a long story short, I didn't want to show up at a quarter to eight, when everyone else would be finished eating by then.

It's the damn long drive! I hate living this far out! When I lived in town, I could have walked to that bar in 10 minutes! When I moved out here 17 years ago, I was still working a very high stress job, and coming home each night to an inner city flat, with virtually no privacy. I nearly went mad, and had to find a peaceful sanctuary to come home to each night. After fifteen years of making that drive back and forth five days a week, I came to hate it. I no longer have to go to work, but I still hate the drive.

So many of you left kind words of encouragement on my blog last night, and I feel so bad that I let you down by not going. Now I'm really in trouble, because Amy swore she would come and haunt me if i didn't go!

Melissa XX


chrissie said...

Well, I guess that means it was not meant to happen last night, Melissa...

No need to feel ashamed.


Amy K. said...

I'm here... can you feel the cackles on the back of your neck? Muah ha ha ha!

Nah, seriously, that drive would intimidate me as well, and you certainly did your best, but hey... there's always next time. I'm sorry you ended up frustrated and disappointed. There's no need to be ashamed though. I wanted it for you. And I do care about you, Melissa... enough to haun-- err, read your blogs and leave comments.


Hugs! :)

Melissa said...

@ Chrissie

Although I'm only a decade older, you are so wise to be pursuing transition now, before you reach my age. When you get older, you lose so much of the energy needed, to overcome the difficulties of life.

@ Amy

You're so sweet! What a shame we live so far apart.

Melissa XX

Leslie Ann said...

Consider yourself forgiven. I've benn known to skip a meeting too, and for less reason. It's just a five mile urban drive for me.

My only disappointment is that we won't have a beautifully written account of the goings on. Like Amy said, there'll be more meetings.

Have you considered an alarm clock? They're all the rage with the kids.

caroline said...

You said christmas is to arrive sometime soon, I could send you an alarm clock as a present!

Caroline XXX

Sophie said...

You're worried about a mere haunting? Hah! That'd be nothing compared to making me drive all the way up there and getting you. Which I would be more than happy to do, by the way, if it means getting you out of the house.

Are you planning on going to the group's Christmas party? I am still trying to figure out "semi-formal".

caroline said...

Hate all those unexplained "semi formal" type invitations and to my wife's despair refused to go. Then again anything in boy mode was refused for decades which was a shame for her since that was really what she wanted me for! Poor thing missed out on loads of invites to very smart events and would not take anybody else.

Get precise definition of this semi formal nonsense so that you can go and have fun. will this mean that you need your clock before christmas?

Caroline xx

Lucy Melford said...

Although you seem to live in an idyllic-looking place, with those lovely trees and that lake nearby, what you say brings home the reality of living in the sticks.

It takes time to get into town. And it's easy to feel you can't be bothered, or simply can't face it on a winter night, or even that it might be dangerous or foolhardy to venture onto the highway when there's high winds or snow or lashing rain. Because even if you make it to town, you need to drive back.

All this said, a hunger for like-minded company can goad you into action.

I do sympathise with all the little setbacks and things you've forgotten to do or fix before you can go out. They happen to me too. Plus I have no time sense. Even as I write this, I promised myself that I'd go out to the shops an hour ago, and yet here I am. I don't stick to my own priorities! And I'm a hopeless misjudger of passing time. It all combines to make me late and apologetic, or else I abandon going out at all.

Bottom line: do you think you could ever move closer to Richmond, and halve the travelling time?


Jenny.J said...

Don't feel ashamed, why should you, but a little more planning required I think, how about having your cycle ride post breakfast rather than lucnh, then carry on with the rest of the operation lol

Stephanie said...

My trip to town is a 40 minute drive and I put off going all I time. I love it here as I did when I moved here 22yrs ago, but the drive has become hated. In a few years we move to town. I can't wait.

Suzi said...

Wow, you really ARE a I'm not a doctor or anything but it seems that the ritual you described would be kinda hard on your diabetes.

I have to be at work by 7am weekdays and that carried over to my weekends. I can't even conceive of sleeping past 7am. So...I get up around 6, make some coffee, get on the computer and wonder if Melissa is still up from the night

One problem that night owls have is a lack of exposure to natural light. I get exposure from sun up till late in the afternoon. Sometimes in the sun, sometimes not. I've been reading a good bit lately about vitD. One site I read said you can get 20,000units of vit D from exposing 40% of your body to sunlight for 20 minutes. Wow, I thought. Maybe if, when you get up, you plop down in a chair on the your bikini of course...and soak up some rays to help wake you up. Works for me...except I don't own a bikini...(and the world thanks God) :D Suzi

helenchapel said...

Hi Melissa
I have to echo everyone elses sentiments about understanding the difficulties of your journey and how you were feeling. I think we can all relate and have nothing but sympathy. I love 'choke n slide' I have not heard that before here in 'blighty' can't wait to use it!!!

Take care & be good to yourself
Helen x

Two Auntees said...

Melissa Dear, as I read this post, I am struck by amount of preparation you take to get ready and remember how it was with me. I am interested in how carefully you prepare for you evening out. I was just as particular about the way I dressed as you are about getting ready. I never used an epilater, but would shave my legs and face as close as I could get. In the early days, I had to wear everything, pantyhose, girdle, slips; had to have large jewelry and watches. I had to emulate how I thought my mother would dress, because she was my model; not my wife who wore pants and jeans and tops.

Don't let the process become your excuse to stay home. Do as much preparation the day before or the morning of that you can so you can take extra time with you makeup; which you can do since you live by yourself and don't have to hide from anyone.

Don't worry and not do something because of what other people think or might 'see'.

Combine the evening out with you friend at the bar with window shopping or some other happy task and end the evening with your friends surrounded by those who know what you are going through because they are traveling with you.

Don't let the process of getting ready become drudgery and an excuse to not go out. Prepare, prepare and think happy thoughts.

These are just some thought from someone who is older and has gone before you. Please take this with the love it was written, and you have my permission to delete after you read.
Peace, And make sure you get to the Christmas Party with your friends!!!

alan said...

I'm just glad to know you're OK, that you aren't sitting on the roof watching the tide roll in...

Perhaps some other forces were at work, looking out for you and that's why it worked out like it did! There's a reason somewhere!


Jennifer-Sophia said...

Well there will be plenty of other opportunities! Don't let it get you down