Saturday, November 7, 2009

It Was Good Getting Back Out Tonight

I'm getting tired, can't you tell, so this may be short.

For those of you who remember, I missed last month's TG support group meeting, when at the very last minute, I had to clean up the shambles in my back yard, left by a furry marauding interloper, foraging in my garbage cans the night before. With only one meeting a month, it seemed like ages since the last meeting I attended on the first Friday in September, and I really wanted to make his one. Trips to the dump en femme are nice, and as silly as it sounds, they do help to reinforce my feminine identity, but there is nothing like direct contact with other accepting humans. So yesterday, with that in mind, I made sure all my girl clothes were washed and ironed. Today (Friday), I did my nails, then hopped on my stationary bike, and pedaled hard for an hour. Later I showered and ran the epilator over my entire body. It always feels so good, to be totally hairless. By 6:00PM I was dressed, made up, and ready to go. We've been hit with a cold front, and the temperature was suppose dip dip into the 30's tonight, so I wore my new black hooded zip front pea coat. If you have a JC Penney Christmas catalog, you can look at the women's coats and see what I'm talking about. In addition to that one, I also got the regular button front pea coat in chic red, and the hooded button front pea coat, also in black. Along with a long woolen coat, several corduroy blazers and several leather jackets, for the first time I'm in good shape for the winter as far as feminine outwear goes.

Not a lot going on tonight, just a demonstration by an electrologist, but the meeting was enjoyable nevertheless. Lots of conversation. I got to see several girls I met on my initial group encounter at the lesbian bar back in August, one of whom I just absolutely adore. She was the one, who first informed me of this group, when I first visited the web site, Pink Essence last summer. Another lovely girl in our group just started blogging here! I suspected that it was her, a fact confirmed in her subsequent blogs. Bless her heart! Apparently this sweetheart informed our group's leader, about the recent loss of my sister, because the leader called me aside and said she wanted me to come with her, so she could talk to me about something. I followed her out into the hallway outside of the conference room where we hold our meetings. She told me she was surprised to see me there, and she hugged me and told me how sorry she was to hear of the loss of my sister. It kind of caught me off guard. I am naturally a tad paranoid most of the time anyway (yeah....I'm that kind of nut), and silly me, when she told me to come with her, because she wanted to talk to me about something, I thought she was going to scold me for some errant breech of etiquette! I'm very shy in person, and until I get to know someone, situations like that can be very awkward for me. I'm sure I came off as a bit distant, and exhibited far less emotion than she expected. It wasn't until later on, when I could collect my thought's, that I could fully appreciate her gesture. I'm going to have let her know how touching her gesture was, the next time I talk to her.

With each successive meeting, I'm getting slowly more comfortable with these girls. They range from young too old, and are all very nice. I'm still not quite sure where I fit in. It appears that most of them are either post op, or actively pursing GRS. I am certainly transsexual. I've even been diagnosed as such, and wanted nothing more than than to fully transition when I was still young enough for my transition to be what I considered viable, but that was so long ago, and it was all for naught. Time and the ravages of testosterone, have taken their irreversible toll. I'm afraid that all I am left with is some ephemeral illusion. But ultimately gender identity is in between the ears and not between the legs, so should it make any difference? Not in my mind. The more I get to know these girls, the more I connect with them, regardless of what's between our legs.

Melissa XX


Leslie Ann said...

I knew you'd get something positive out of support meetings. I'm so glad you're sticking with it. We all need some real world TGs of commiserate with.

caroline said...

I could feel for your frustration when the last trip turned into a pantomime disaster. I have never had any contact like you are getting so can only imagine the positive things you can take from it and they have clearly fully integrated you within the group already. Chance to show off the new coats!

Caroline xxx

Sophie said...

Melissa, I can tell you where you fit in, right in the middle of the bunch of us. You looked great and please do not make any references to "an ephemeral illusion". Being happy and content with who we are finally is no illusion and there is nothing ephemeral about it. It's real and within our reach.

It is a very wonderful group of girls. I know the ones who have been through it already have real empathy for those of us who are just beginning and I personally have felt a lot of personal support from them.

Sorry we didn't get to chat much but that is like WAY past my normal bedtime and it was a long drive home.

Melissa said...

@ Leslie Ann

True. On line support is nice, but you still feel isolated physically. Without that accepting and supportive human contact, it's hard to sustain a feeling of confidence in who you are.

@ Caroline

But you do seem to have achieved a level of acceptance, at least among your friends. I truly admire your courage in refusing to accept the pigeonhole, in which society likes to place those of us born with a superfluous appendage.

@ Sophie

Thank you! You looked great too! And thanks too, for reminding me that the word illusion is spelled with an i, not an a. Like I said, I was tired, but least you knew what I was alluding to. ;-)

Melissa XX

alan said...

The comfort of human companionship is something we all need; to be able to sit down and just "dish" and "be" and be comfortable doing it is something that could probably cure a lot of the ills of this world if we all dared do a bit of it...


Jenny.J said...

I'm glad to hear you're back out and mixing in the group again, blogging and facebook...etc are great, but nothing can compare to one to one/or more face to face contact and interaction, try not to compare yourself to anyone else, we all strive for acceptance just being ourselves and not competition, if we can't be ourselves within our own community then where do we go?
love and hugs Jenny xx

chrissie said...

Fitting in?

I suppose it's like the world in microcosm, Melissa.

You'll ifnd yuor place, given time, honey!


Two Auntees said...

You'll find that the more places you visit in a social setting, the more comfortable and accepting you will discover to be within Melissa.

lisalisa said...

I am glad you enjoyed the meeting. I havent been to my local group for 5 months because of other commitments. I am going to make the Christmas party though.

Samantha said...

It's never, ever too late to live your dreams. I've known women who had surgery in their 70s and 80s. If it's right for you, there's no reason you cannot do it. Don't buy into naysayers who might give you reasons that it isn't right. That's the kind of stuff that's held both of us back for so many years before we finally did something about our own lives.

You just have to believe in you.

As to meeting new people and building new relationships, that's awesome! Nothing wrong with that. More power to you, growth is a good thing.