It was about ten years ago, and I was in a West Richmond shopping center, just before Christmas. I had just parked my pickup truck in the parking lot in front of the Regal Theaters Cineplex, and was rounding the corner of the walkway, on my way to a Barnes and Nobel bookstore, when I came face to face with a brunette thirty something woman, dressed in tight fitting jeans, a crisp white fitted shirt, and a black leather jacket. She was so absolutely gorgeous! A beautiful woman in the prime of her life, and she looked straight into my eyes, and I could tell by her her look, that she wanted me!
Until that moment I was just fine, but as soon as she gave me that look, my Gender Identity Dysphoria instantly kicked into high gear, and I couldn't wait to get in and out of the bookstore, and run to the isolation of my home out in the country, as fast as I could. Why? Because the image she was so attracted to, was a complete sham. I was in full on male mode. I was in my very early fifties at the time, and had a full beard that was partially gray. I looked like that kind of elder middle aged man, that so many women find very attractive. The trouble was that I didn't find it attractive. It was all just a front that I put on, in order to survive on my job and daily routines out in the world.
It was so frustrating to look into this beautiful woman's eyes, and see her longing, only to realize that the person she was looking at could never fulfill it. She saw an attractive man, but I was an attractive man on the surface only. If she had seen the real me, the me who wanted to be her lesbian lover, she would have been repulsed by it. I instantly knew that, and that's what sent me spiraling down into gender identity hell.
This scene has been repeated in various forms, hundreds of times in my life, but I'm not the only one to have ever experienced it. It is a curse on the innocent, that has been visited upon thousands, if not millions, who are male to female transgendered. God love each and every one of us!
Melissa XX
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I Hate Wasps!
I know.....hate is a pretty strong word, but before you go thinking that I hate white Anglo Saxon protestants, let me reassure you that I am one of them, albeit with a bit of Slavic blood coursing through my veins, thanks to my mother's Polish father. No......I'm talking about the flying, and stinging kind of wasp here.
This evening I decided to go out onto the deck for a few minutes, to enjoy the nicest, most peaceful part of the day. I opened the back door, and immediately heard a buzzing noise about my head. Closing the door behind me, I walked out onto the deck, thinking it must have been a fly. But when I turned around, I saw two brown wasps, building a nest in the top of the doorjamb. They weren't very crazy about the fact that I had just disturbed the construction of their nursery either, and started to buzz about me! Now...I have been sting by brown wasps on several occasions, and I never want it to happen again, so I retreated to the far recesses of the deck, and that seemed to placate them to such a degree, that they resumed their work on the nest. But there was still a problem. I was standing at the far end of my deck, being held a virtual hostage by these two little winged thugs. I had to get back into the house, but in order to do so, I had to run their gauntlet. I was scared. I mean theses little buggers really hurt when they sink their little hot acid stingers into your flesh, and it doesn't just hurt for a few minutes, it hurts for hours, and remains uncomfortable for days afterward.
So......what to do? They didn't appear to be inclined to leave any time soon, so running their gauntlet was my only option. I took a deep breath, and ran for the door, bracing for the inevitable painful sting, but suddenly I found myself inside and stingless! I slammed the door shut, and with my heart racing, I contemplated my next move. I could not allow these dangerous little interlopers to use my doorway, as a hymenopteran breeding ground. Something had to be done, and the sooner the better.
Suddenly.....with broom in hand, I swung the door open, and began to beat the wasps away, then I attempted to knock down their paper nest, before they could collect their senses and mount their counter attack. The first three swings at the nest proved fruitless, and I had to take a few additional swings at the counterattacking wasps. Now my adrenalin was really pumping! Finally the the fourth swing knocked the nest down, and I managed to slam the door shut just before the angry bees were able to pursue me inside!
Fifteen minutes later, after my heart rate slowed down to something more approximating a normal rhythm, I peeked through the Venetian blinds on the back door window, to see if those two angry wasps had summoned members of their gang to seek revenge. I was afraid they might be lying in ambush for me, just outside the door. Now.....you're probably thinking I was being a bit paranoid, but after all I did just destroy their maternity ward, so in their insect eyes, I was a despicable baby killer!
But protective though they may be of their nests, wasps apparently have a very short attention span, and after their nest was knocked down, they quickly lost interest in me and my back door. Shortly there afterward, I was able to return to the deck to enjoy the onset of the evening hours, and the lovely chirping of the birds getting ready to roost for the night.
By the way, I just got a copy of the Rolling Stones forty year anniversary re-release of, Exile On Main Street, with a CD of extra added tracks. Unfortunately the Stones, like may old great rock groups, have become somewhat of a tired old cliche' over the last decade or so, but this album, originally released in 1972 takes you back to when they were truly one of the world's most inspirational and beloved rock bands. A lot of really great memories, especially for an old timer like me!
Melissa XX
This evening I decided to go out onto the deck for a few minutes, to enjoy the nicest, most peaceful part of the day. I opened the back door, and immediately heard a buzzing noise about my head. Closing the door behind me, I walked out onto the deck, thinking it must have been a fly. But when I turned around, I saw two brown wasps, building a nest in the top of the doorjamb. They weren't very crazy about the fact that I had just disturbed the construction of their nursery either, and started to buzz about me! Now...I have been sting by brown wasps on several occasions, and I never want it to happen again, so I retreated to the far recesses of the deck, and that seemed to placate them to such a degree, that they resumed their work on the nest. But there was still a problem. I was standing at the far end of my deck, being held a virtual hostage by these two little winged thugs. I had to get back into the house, but in order to do so, I had to run their gauntlet. I was scared. I mean theses little buggers really hurt when they sink their little hot acid stingers into your flesh, and it doesn't just hurt for a few minutes, it hurts for hours, and remains uncomfortable for days afterward.
So......what to do? They didn't appear to be inclined to leave any time soon, so running their gauntlet was my only option. I took a deep breath, and ran for the door, bracing for the inevitable painful sting, but suddenly I found myself inside and stingless! I slammed the door shut, and with my heart racing, I contemplated my next move. I could not allow these dangerous little interlopers to use my doorway, as a hymenopteran breeding ground. Something had to be done, and the sooner the better.
Suddenly.....with broom in hand, I swung the door open, and began to beat the wasps away, then I attempted to knock down their paper nest, before they could collect their senses and mount their counter attack. The first three swings at the nest proved fruitless, and I had to take a few additional swings at the counterattacking wasps. Now my adrenalin was really pumping! Finally the the fourth swing knocked the nest down, and I managed to slam the door shut just before the angry bees were able to pursue me inside!
Fifteen minutes later, after my heart rate slowed down to something more approximating a normal rhythm, I peeked through the Venetian blinds on the back door window, to see if those two angry wasps had summoned members of their gang to seek revenge. I was afraid they might be lying in ambush for me, just outside the door. Now.....you're probably thinking I was being a bit paranoid, but after all I did just destroy their maternity ward, so in their insect eyes, I was a despicable baby killer!
But protective though they may be of their nests, wasps apparently have a very short attention span, and after their nest was knocked down, they quickly lost interest in me and my back door. Shortly there afterward, I was able to return to the deck to enjoy the onset of the evening hours, and the lovely chirping of the birds getting ready to roost for the night.
By the way, I just got a copy of the Rolling Stones forty year anniversary re-release of, Exile On Main Street, with a CD of extra added tracks. Unfortunately the Stones, like may old great rock groups, have become somewhat of a tired old cliche' over the last decade or so, but this album, originally released in 1972 takes you back to when they were truly one of the world's most inspirational and beloved rock bands. A lot of really great memories, especially for an old timer like me!
Melissa XX
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
It Would Have Been A Lovely Tunic, If Not For.............
the infernal scratchy tag in the back! Grrrrrr!
How many times have we purchased a pretty tunic, tee top, shirt, or blouse, only to put it on and be driven nearly mad, by a scratchy edged nylon or polyester tag in the neck, or back? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. We've all experienced the insufferable pick and scratchiness of cheap tags, sewn into the backs and necks of our garments.
Just the other the day, I received two lovely summer tops that I ordered by mail. A lovely white square neck tunic, with a threaded ribbon and eyelet trim, and another white tunic, with horizontal pin tucks across the front of its square neckline. Both came with scratchy tags, which I loathe, but the first one had the tag sewn directly into the neck seam, so with great care, I was able to take a pair of hair cutting scissors, and trace them along the seam to successfully cut the label out. Unfortunately, I didn't have any such luck with the pin tuck tunic. Instead of being sewn into the neck seam, this scratchy tag was sewn directly into the back of the shirt, with the finest, tightest stitch you can imagine running down both sides of the label. The tunic was impossible to wear with the label in it, so for fifteen minutes, I tackled that label with all of the care of a brain surgeon, but it was to no avail! My unfortunate patient succumbed to a fatal hole in its weave, when trying to incise the very last stitch, that was anchored so tightly I couldn't discern label from tunic, I sliced into the fabric the wretched label was sewn into! I still want to scream when I think about it!
I must have spent the next half hour, cursing, bitching, and moaning about how completely stupid it was for them to sell me a garment that I liked so much, but couldn't wear with out destroying it, because they had sewn the stupid tag in so tightly. Fortunately, the eyelet & ribbon trimmed top turned out to be a lovely fit, and with no residual label problems once the tag was removed, has been a complete joy to own.
I also got three pair of 5" inseam, cuffed, pleated shorts, that look just fabulous! The longer Bermuda shorts seem to be the latest trend, but I hate them with a passion! The shorter shorts are much prettier in my estimation, and far more leg flattering.
Tonight I'm listening to some of my new Gustav Mahler CD's, and I can't even begin to describe how incredibly beautiful his music is. I had heard his music casually many years ago, when we had a far better public radio station than we do now, and I always liked what I used to hear on such wonderful shows as, the now defunct National Public Radio's Starlight Concert, and the late Karl Haas's absolutely wonderful program, Adventures in Good Music. What excellent radio that was! My collection of Malher Cd's consists of his 1st through 11th symphonies, and I can honestly say, that I haven't heard one that I didn't think was incredibly beautiful. To my ears at least, Mahler was a genius!
For your enjoyment, or annoyance, whichever the case may be, I have embedded a part of Mahler's Symphony N0.3. I wanted to include the first movement, which is incredibly beautiful, but I couldn't find a Youtube video of it.
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Melissa XX
How many times have we purchased a pretty tunic, tee top, shirt, or blouse, only to put it on and be driven nearly mad, by a scratchy edged nylon or polyester tag in the neck, or back? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. We've all experienced the insufferable pick and scratchiness of cheap tags, sewn into the backs and necks of our garments.
Just the other the day, I received two lovely summer tops that I ordered by mail. A lovely white square neck tunic, with a threaded ribbon and eyelet trim, and another white tunic, with horizontal pin tucks across the front of its square neckline. Both came with scratchy tags, which I loathe, but the first one had the tag sewn directly into the neck seam, so with great care, I was able to take a pair of hair cutting scissors, and trace them along the seam to successfully cut the label out. Unfortunately, I didn't have any such luck with the pin tuck tunic. Instead of being sewn into the neck seam, this scratchy tag was sewn directly into the back of the shirt, with the finest, tightest stitch you can imagine running down both sides of the label. The tunic was impossible to wear with the label in it, so for fifteen minutes, I tackled that label with all of the care of a brain surgeon, but it was to no avail! My unfortunate patient succumbed to a fatal hole in its weave, when trying to incise the very last stitch, that was anchored so tightly I couldn't discern label from tunic, I sliced into the fabric the wretched label was sewn into! I still want to scream when I think about it!
I must have spent the next half hour, cursing, bitching, and moaning about how completely stupid it was for them to sell me a garment that I liked so much, but couldn't wear with out destroying it, because they had sewn the stupid tag in so tightly. Fortunately, the eyelet & ribbon trimmed top turned out to be a lovely fit, and with no residual label problems once the tag was removed, has been a complete joy to own.
I also got three pair of 5" inseam, cuffed, pleated shorts, that look just fabulous! The longer Bermuda shorts seem to be the latest trend, but I hate them with a passion! The shorter shorts are much prettier in my estimation, and far more leg flattering.
Tonight I'm listening to some of my new Gustav Mahler CD's, and I can't even begin to describe how incredibly beautiful his music is. I had heard his music casually many years ago, when we had a far better public radio station than we do now, and I always liked what I used to hear on such wonderful shows as, the now defunct National Public Radio's Starlight Concert, and the late Karl Haas's absolutely wonderful program, Adventures in Good Music. What excellent radio that was! My collection of Malher Cd's consists of his 1st through 11th symphonies, and I can honestly say, that I haven't heard one that I didn't think was incredibly beautiful. To my ears at least, Mahler was a genius!
For your enjoyment, or annoyance, whichever the case may be, I have embedded a part of Mahler's Symphony N0.3. I wanted to include the first movement, which is incredibly beautiful, but I couldn't find a Youtube video of it.
">
Melissa XX
Monday, May 24, 2010
Boy or Girl?
Completely forget for a moment if you will, the pink and the blue clothes. Which of these twin babies do you think is a boy, and which is a girl? To me it's quite obvious. The cute stout little fella on the left, although dressed in pink, is obviously a boy, and the petite little darling on the right, while dressed in blue, is obviously a girl.......right? Wrong!
The adorable tiny little baby on the right is actually a boy, and his equally adorable, but quite more robust looking twin on the left, is a girl!
Why are we so easily taken in by gender stereotypes?
Melissa xx
P.S.
I took the above photo from a message board I frequent, I hope the person who posted it, who I have the greatest respect for, does not take offense to me using it here.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Peel Me A Grape!
I have featured Diana Krall (Mrs. Elvis Costello) here before, because she is so special, but one can never get quite enough of a talented woman like her, so here is another little treasure of hers. I do hope you enjoy it!
Melissa XX
Melissa XX
Friday, May 21, 2010
It's So Nice To Be Accepted!
Just before my twin sister died, I came out to my older sister and my eldest niece. They were so very accepting, and I just love them for it! After my twin died, I felt so ashamed for not telling her, but she was suffering so, and I didn't want to burden her with something she could not do a thing about. Shortly after her death, I came out to the people I have been regularly conversing with on a particular message board for several years, and posted an avatar of the real me in a fitted sleeveless turquoise top. 
The name of the message board is irrelevant, and for privacy reasons shall remain nameless, but the point is, they have all accepted me as Melissa! Not a single one of them, male or female has said an unkind word to me about being trans! They all refer to me as she and her, and I just love it!
The females on the board in particular, have embraced me as one of their own, and that is particularly special for me, because that's what it has always been all about for me. It has never been about sexuality, but everything about being accepted as one of the girls.
I now exchange private messages with these women as Melissa, and they include me in their female only conversations. I was even invited to participate in a book discussion on The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood! How wonderful is that?! Unfortunately I had difficulties accessing the book , once I down loaded it. For some reason or other, the people I downloaded it from, will not accept the password I used to download it in the first place! Computers and the internet! Still such a pain in the ass at times!
But the point is , I have found a group of women, and men, who accept me completely as a girl, and I just love it! It is so validating!
Here's something very sweet for you to listen to:
Take care,
Melissa XX
The name of the message board is irrelevant, and for privacy reasons shall remain nameless, but the point is, they have all accepted me as Melissa! Not a single one of them, male or female has said an unkind word to me about being trans! They all refer to me as she and her, and I just love it!The females on the board in particular, have embraced me as one of their own, and that is particularly special for me, because that's what it has always been all about for me. It has never been about sexuality, but everything about being accepted as one of the girls.
I now exchange private messages with these women as Melissa, and they include me in their female only conversations. I was even invited to participate in a book discussion on The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood! How wonderful is that?! Unfortunately I had difficulties accessing the book , once I down loaded it. For some reason or other, the people I downloaded it from, will not accept the password I used to download it in the first place! Computers and the internet! Still such a pain in the ass at times!
But the point is , I have found a group of women, and men, who accept me completely as a girl, and I just love it! It is so validating!
Here's something very sweet for you to listen to:
Take care,
Melissa XX
Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pulled Me Back In!
For those not familiar with the above quote, it is a line from the Sopranos, where Silvio Dante was mocking Michael Corleone, in The God Father.
I just thought it was an appropriate title for my post tonight, considering I just received my latest musical treasure from Amazon. com. It's called Mob Hits - Music From And a Tribute To the Great Mob Movies. Oh yes dear readers, it's Mafia Night at Melissa's Meanderings tonight.
Now, I don't know if this coincides with your musical tastes or not, but I just love this stuff. I used to hear this kind of music back in the sixties, especially when visiting my aunts up in Pennsylvania. Although my family is not Italian, we are talking about Italian/American crooners here. Singers like Dean Martin, Jerry Vale, Al Martino, Julius La Rosa, along with Rosemary Clooney, Lou Monte, and Loui Prima. If you've ever seen The God Father trylogy, or any of Martin Scorsese's mob movies, like Good Fellas, or Casino, then you know what I'm talking about.
But it get's even better. Mob Hits wasn't the only CD treasure I received. I also got two great Frank Sinatra CD's; Classic Sinatra - His Greatest Performances 1953-1960, Sinatra - Nothing But The Best, and Dino - The Essential Dean Martin. Oh, how I love Frank and Dino!
So I'm probably going to be on a mob music jag for the next few days. Please forgive me if start sounding like Paulie Walnuts. And speaking of the Sopranos, who can ever forget that great scene, where Tony wanted to buy some waterfront property, but the owner didn't want to sell to him, so he had his thugs park their boat in front of his house and blast this on their high powered system during his dinner party:
Melissa XX
I just thought it was an appropriate title for my post tonight, considering I just received my latest musical treasure from Amazon. com. It's called Mob Hits - Music From And a Tribute To the Great Mob Movies. Oh yes dear readers, it's Mafia Night at Melissa's Meanderings tonight.
Now, I don't know if this coincides with your musical tastes or not, but I just love this stuff. I used to hear this kind of music back in the sixties, especially when visiting my aunts up in Pennsylvania. Although my family is not Italian, we are talking about Italian/American crooners here. Singers like Dean Martin, Jerry Vale, Al Martino, Julius La Rosa, along with Rosemary Clooney, Lou Monte, and Loui Prima. If you've ever seen The God Father trylogy, or any of Martin Scorsese's mob movies, like Good Fellas, or Casino, then you know what I'm talking about.
But it get's even better. Mob Hits wasn't the only CD treasure I received. I also got two great Frank Sinatra CD's; Classic Sinatra - His Greatest Performances 1953-1960, Sinatra - Nothing But The Best, and Dino - The Essential Dean Martin. Oh, how I love Frank and Dino!
So I'm probably going to be on a mob music jag for the next few days. Please forgive me if start sounding like Paulie Walnuts. And speaking of the Sopranos, who can ever forget that great scene, where Tony wanted to buy some waterfront property, but the owner didn't want to sell to him, so he had his thugs park their boat in front of his house and blast this on their high powered system during his dinner party:
Melissa XX
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Well It's 5:30 AM & This Insomniac Is Still Up
I just went out on the rear deck, and the first light of day is illumiating
the sky, and the birds are all going completely insane! Mothra seems to have retreated into the trees; probably I pissed her off, when I wouldn't let her in.
the sky, and the birds are all going completely insane! Mothra seems to have retreated into the trees; probably I pissed her off, when I wouldn't let her in.
Caroline, Lisa and Lucy Are Going To France!
Caroline is already on her way, and I suppose Lisa and Lucy will join her later. Three UK sweethearts all! Unfortunately, I won't be there with them. It sucks to be half way around the world! It seems like most of the girls I've befriended here on blogger, are either in the UK or Europe, or on the west coast of the US or Canada. Curiously, Sophie is the only girl who blogs here, that I have ever met in person. As far as I know, she and I are the only ones in our local support group that have blogs. There may be others, but if there are, I haven't heard of them.
I would love to hop on a plane, and fly to France to be with Caroline, Lisa and Lucy, but I don't even have a passport. I was so wedded to my job before I retired, and my vacation time was so limited, that I never even thought to get one. Now I'm not even sure if I could get one if I wanted to. Ever since 9/11 both state and the federal governments have passed ridiculous restrictions on obtaining new official identification documents, as if the average US citizen is a prospective terrorist. Now, in order to get a simple driver's license, you have to produce a birth certificate, and a foreign birth certificate is not acceptable. I was born in Germany. My birth certificate was not only issued by German authorities, it is also written in German. Of course I was born of US parents, but how do I convince authorities of that? I have US Army discharge papers, but they are considered secondary documentation, and not accepted as a primary source of ID.
But all of that is neither here, nor there. I'm sure a way could be found around all of the obstacles our silly politicians have put in our path to ensure their constituents that they are "doing something serious" about the threat of terrorism. What bothers me most, is that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy are all seriously engaged in transition. Lucy is living to the full, Caroline is now on hormones and has just begun her RLE, and Lisa is just now beginning her full time experience. I am not even close to what these three girls are doing. I'm still half in the closet. I crossdress at home, and for support group functions, and a few other limited outings, but I could never travel abroad as me. Even if I had a valid passport, I would have to go as someone none of you would ever recognize; a 6' 2", bald headed, 61 year old male with a facial shadow, and I would just hate to do that. I know that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy would completely understand, but still, without being able to be me the whole time, I would be very uncomfortable.
I hope that all doesn't sound too neurotic. I suppose that's just something that a non-transitioning transsexual has to learn to live with. Unfortunately, some of us will always be on the outside looking in. I know there are older women who have transitioned, but let's face it; one's circumstances have to be right. You just reach a point of diminishing returns. There has to be a reasonable prospect for a truly realistic outcome, in order to undertake such a drastic change in one's life. I know that some of you have given me the sweetest compliments on the way I look, but you have only seen me in pictures. It's all an illusion. I am large! I have to wear a wig to cover my completely bald pate, which is so big, that I don't have enough remaining hair to rob from, to cover it all. This all could have been prevented if I had the proper resources when I desperately wanted to transition thirty years ago, but they simply weren't available then.
Well, life goes on, and we simply have to adjust, and learn to live with it the best we can, but my own circumstances make me so sympathetic to all of my sisters. I do adore you all so much, and wish nothing but the best for you! I will always be there to support you, in whatever you think is best for you!
On a more urgent note, I think Mothra is outside my window, and wants to come in. She has seen the distant glow of my lamps and computer screen in the night's darkness, and has been inexorably drawn to them. She's been violently flapping her wings against my screens, in a futile attempt to come inside for the last several nights. If she wasn't Mothra I might consider inviting her in. After all, my house seems to have been adopted as a home for most of her smaller cousins, and I don't really mind them at all, until I'm in bed, and the only light in the house is my bedroom TV. Then they tend to be very annoying, wanting only light upon my television screen while I'm trying to watch something boring to help me fall asleep. But she is a moth of a different color. I know she is a sympathetic character, but she is huge and has a horrific reputation for destruction. I don't dare let her in.
Melissa XX
I would love to hop on a plane, and fly to France to be with Caroline, Lisa and Lucy, but I don't even have a passport. I was so wedded to my job before I retired, and my vacation time was so limited, that I never even thought to get one. Now I'm not even sure if I could get one if I wanted to. Ever since 9/11 both state and the federal governments have passed ridiculous restrictions on obtaining new official identification documents, as if the average US citizen is a prospective terrorist. Now, in order to get a simple driver's license, you have to produce a birth certificate, and a foreign birth certificate is not acceptable. I was born in Germany. My birth certificate was not only issued by German authorities, it is also written in German. Of course I was born of US parents, but how do I convince authorities of that? I have US Army discharge papers, but they are considered secondary documentation, and not accepted as a primary source of ID.
But all of that is neither here, nor there. I'm sure a way could be found around all of the obstacles our silly politicians have put in our path to ensure their constituents that they are "doing something serious" about the threat of terrorism. What bothers me most, is that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy are all seriously engaged in transition. Lucy is living to the full, Caroline is now on hormones and has just begun her RLE, and Lisa is just now beginning her full time experience. I am not even close to what these three girls are doing. I'm still half in the closet. I crossdress at home, and for support group functions, and a few other limited outings, but I could never travel abroad as me. Even if I had a valid passport, I would have to go as someone none of you would ever recognize; a 6' 2", bald headed, 61 year old male with a facial shadow, and I would just hate to do that. I know that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy would completely understand, but still, without being able to be me the whole time, I would be very uncomfortable.
I hope that all doesn't sound too neurotic. I suppose that's just something that a non-transitioning transsexual has to learn to live with. Unfortunately, some of us will always be on the outside looking in. I know there are older women who have transitioned, but let's face it; one's circumstances have to be right. You just reach a point of diminishing returns. There has to be a reasonable prospect for a truly realistic outcome, in order to undertake such a drastic change in one's life. I know that some of you have given me the sweetest compliments on the way I look, but you have only seen me in pictures. It's all an illusion. I am large! I have to wear a wig to cover my completely bald pate, which is so big, that I don't have enough remaining hair to rob from, to cover it all. This all could have been prevented if I had the proper resources when I desperately wanted to transition thirty years ago, but they simply weren't available then.
Well, life goes on, and we simply have to adjust, and learn to live with it the best we can, but my own circumstances make me so sympathetic to all of my sisters. I do adore you all so much, and wish nothing but the best for you! I will always be there to support you, in whatever you think is best for you!
On a more urgent note, I think Mothra is outside my window, and wants to come in. She has seen the distant glow of my lamps and computer screen in the night's darkness, and has been inexorably drawn to them. She's been violently flapping her wings against my screens, in a futile attempt to come inside for the last several nights. If she wasn't Mothra I might consider inviting her in. After all, my house seems to have been adopted as a home for most of her smaller cousins, and I don't really mind them at all, until I'm in bed, and the only light in the house is my bedroom TV. Then they tend to be very annoying, wanting only light upon my television screen while I'm trying to watch something boring to help me fall asleep. But she is a moth of a different color. I know she is a sympathetic character, but she is huge and has a horrific reputation for destruction. I don't dare let her in.
Melissa XX
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I Went To My Mom's Tonight
I know.......I normally go on Monday evenings, but Mom had visitors she wanted me to see. My Aunt S, and my cousin R, came down on the train from Pennsylvania for a couple of days. I see my Aunt S at least once, if not twice a year, but I hadn't seen my cousin R since 2002, when I went up to Pa., for one of my aunt's funerals. That was the first time I had seen her since just after I had graduated high school in 1966, when she was just a sprightly six year, old slurping on Popsicles, and laughing her innocent head off! Now she is a lovey confident fifty year old woman, and I feel so old and inadequate! Still it was wonderful to see her again. Because we were an Army family, we were always on the move. Consequently we only saw our cousins once in a blue moon. Most of them grew up together in Pennsylvania, and know each other very well, but my sisters and especially me, were the estranged ones.
My aunt invited me up for a big bash they have every year in mid July at their gun club. She lives in a rural area between Harrisburg, Pa., and the old family homestead in Wilkes-Barre. Apparently this is a no holds barred bash, where lots of beer and wine is consumed, guns are shot, and fireworks are set off. Oh, and I almost forgot, the men all go off into the nearby treeline to relieve themselves!
She doesn't know about me. How could I possibly tell her, I wasn't like her sons, and would never in a million years feel comfortable in a situation like that? She is a sweetheart and I have always loved her, but she had a family dominated by males, who were all very happy to be males, and she just assumes I am the same. The fly is completely on me, not her. The poor girl doesn't know any better. Still, I love her and was very glad to see her again.
Want to know what else I'm listening to tonight? I think told you a few posts ago, about how much I love Diana Krall. Well, here is another positively lovely number of her's:
Melissa XX
My aunt invited me up for a big bash they have every year in mid July at their gun club. She lives in a rural area between Harrisburg, Pa., and the old family homestead in Wilkes-Barre. Apparently this is a no holds barred bash, where lots of beer and wine is consumed, guns are shot, and fireworks are set off. Oh, and I almost forgot, the men all go off into the nearby treeline to relieve themselves!
She doesn't know about me. How could I possibly tell her, I wasn't like her sons, and would never in a million years feel comfortable in a situation like that? She is a sweetheart and I have always loved her, but she had a family dominated by males, who were all very happy to be males, and she just assumes I am the same. The fly is completely on me, not her. The poor girl doesn't know any better. Still, I love her and was very glad to see her again.
Want to know what else I'm listening to tonight? I think told you a few posts ago, about how much I love Diana Krall. Well, here is another positively lovely number of her's:
Melissa XX
Thinking About Him Tonight. Was There Anyone Better?
Tonight I've been listening to CD's of Marvin Gaye. I've always loved his music, especially his stuff from the late sixties until his tragic and untimely death, but that's not to say that I didn't like his earlier stuff with Kim Weston, and Tami Terrell. Marvin Gaye, along with Smokey Robinson, epitomized the later Mowtown Sound, and both artists, along with the more progressive and psychedelic rockers, provided me with a groovy and familiar soundtrack, that comforted me forty years ago, when I was stationed so far away from home in Long Binh. Oh yes, the lengths we would go to, to try and prove we were men!
This came quite a few years later. In fact I had been home for over a decade when it was released, but how can you listen to this number, and not think he was just the coolest? Sorry for the poor video quality, but his voice is as sweet as ever!
Melissa XX
This came quite a few years later. In fact I had been home for over a decade when it was released, but how can you listen to this number, and not think he was just the coolest? Sorry for the poor video quality, but his voice is as sweet as ever!
Melissa XX
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tonight I Fell In Love With An Alien!
That's Zoe Saldana as Neytiri. Isn't she positively lovely? Wonderfully catlike, yet still possessing enough human qualities to make her very attractive to Homo....well...yes....sapiens too!Yes...........if you haven't guessed it by now, I watched Avatar tonight, and of course Zoe Saldana's character is the one that I most identified with! Strange though, throughout the movie, my eyes kept welling up with a very familiar saline solution. How could it be, that I felt such an affinity for a fictional alien race, that lives solely in the mind of the film's director?
I loved it! It wasn't the 3-D version, just standard old 2-D, but because of the excellent computerized animation (the best I've seen), it had an almost 3-D like quality. But this story didn't need 3-D to be compelling. I have heard references to Dances With Wolves, and I suppose there are enough similarities to that great film, to make those kinds of comparisons, but this film stands on its own, and needs no referential props. All in all, a very entertaining and appealing flick. Too bad I didn't have a tab of Orange Sunshine to drop before watching it!
Now.............I've just got to get me one of those wonderful flying creatures, but unfortunately I lack the physical interface to bond with them. I suppose that's where the Orange Sunshine comes in!
On a side note, I seem to have lost my driver's license. I haven't carried a wallet in my back pocket for years. Not only was it completely uncomfortable to to sit on that great giant lump of leather and paper, but it just seemed like such a stupidly masculine thing to do, so I years ago I decided to forgo the wallet, and just carry my credit cards, driver's license, cash, and mobile phone in my front pockets. But apparently sometime last week, I reached into my pocket and inadvertently pulled out my drivers license, and now only God knows where it is. Now after thoroughly searching the house, and beseeching the lord in prayer, God seems very reluctant to tell me where I might find it, so today went to my local county Department of Motor Vehicles extension office, only to discover that they only do license plate renewals. All drivers licenses issues need to be dealt with either on line, or in person at the megacrowded DMV office in the next county, 30 miles away! On the the way out, the kind lady behind the counter gave me a two page document, listing the kinds of documentation I would need to present in order to obtain a new license. I looked it over and suddenly my heart sank. I didn't possess a single solitary document required on that stupid list. Thanks to the assholes who carried out the attacks of of 9/11, and our ignorant reactionary congressional representatives, all American citizens now have carry specifically certified identification papers with them to get a new driver's license. Screw the fact that you are a 61 year old American citizen, have had a drivers license all of your life, and have served 3 years as a soldier in the US Army, including two tours in Vietnam. Is it any wonder that people hate government, and it's ridiculous bureaucratic red tape? Grrrrrr.......
Melissa XX
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I Just Discovered Another Musical Trasure.
Do you recognize the man above? His name is Gustav Mahler, and he is the creator of some of the most beautiful Romance music you will ever hear. I just discovered a most wonderful 11 CD boxed set of his works, by The Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra, The New York Philharmonic, and the Wiener Philharmoniker, entitled, Mahler - The Symphonies - Leonard Bernstein.Leonard Bernstein was a favorite of mine when I was growing up. My deceased father, God love him, gave me an appreciation of classical music, by having me sit down with him on Saturday afternoons, and watching television broadcasts of Leonard Bernstein's, Young People's Concerts.
When I grew up, like most people of my generation, my musical tastes became progressively influenced by rock'n'roll, and I migrated away from classical music, Broadway musicals, and older jazz standards. Today my musical tastes are far more eclectic, and I have re-embraced the beautiful classical music that my father introduced me to all those many years ago.
My latest acquisition encompasses works from Mahler symphonies #1 - #10. It's just beautiful!
Another acquisition is Beethoven - The Symphonies. This Deutsche Grammophon production includes a five CD set, that encompasses Beethoven's symphonies #1 through #9. I've yet to listen to it, so comments will come later.
I also just got a CD of last winter's hit movie Avatar. I was just too lazy to make the 90 mile round trip to see it in 3-D, so I got the DVD instead. I'll let you know what I think of it.
Melissa XX
Friday, May 7, 2010
My House Is Crawling With Wolf Spiders.............
........and I'm quite concerned. I found another large one in the bathtub, when I returned home from my monthly transgender support group meeting tonight. The hideous thing didn't even try to run away, when he saw me peering down at him. The fool! I can just imagine what he was thinking, "Oh look at her! I'm sooo scared!" Wolf spiders can be quite sarcastic, you know. The night before last, one must have thought I was Little Miss Muffet, although I don't know why. I don't own a suitable tuffet, and I didn't have any curds and whey. I was siting in a wooden framed arm chair instead, just watching television, when suddenly the arachnid decided to descend from the ceiling on a thread of silk, about six inches to the right of my face! I caught the descending dark blur in the peripheral vision of my right eye, and instinctively swung my head around to see what it was. Now the spider was about two inches in front of my nose, and I don't mind telling you, that gave me quite a turn! What followed, was like a scene straight out of an old James Bond movie. I leaped out of my chair, and at that point I don't know who was more freaked out, me or the tarantula. It quickly dropped to the carpet, And I quickly grabbed my shoe. BAM! BAM! BAM!......BAM!........BAM!......BAM! BAM!
The things must be mostly liquid, because for all their freakishly large corporeal appearance, once you give them a sound thrashing, there is hardly anything left to recognize. Oh! By the way, the sarcastic one in the tub..........suffered a similar end.
The meeting went well tonight. I know I talked about teaching the girls to eat healthy, and taking a salad to our pot luck supper this time, but the day I planned to go to the store to get the fixings, all of the news shows were broadcasting the recall of packaged lettuce, because of possible bacterial contamination. Now the last thing I wanted to do, was make all of my trans sisters and brothers ill, so I cooked a ravioli casserole and a large can of mixed greens instead. My Blogger girlfriend Sophie, also brought some fresh veggies, and another girl brought a cucumber salad, so I must not have been the only one who thought we needed a bit of roughage.
We started the evening out with a conference call with our President, who was up in Pennsylvania recovering from her gender confirmation surgery. After a bit on the vice president's cellphone with the speaker on, the phone was passed around the room, so we could all talk to her personally. She only had her surgery on Monday the 3rd, so I couldn't believe that she was already discharged from the hospital, and in the nearby post-op halfway house hotel.
The topic of discussion tonight was coming out, and the impact on, and reaction of family and friends. After the pot luck supper, we all assembled our chairs in a circle, and everyone got to tell their story, and some were quite compelling. What surprised me the most, was the degree of acceptance that most people got from family, coworkers and acquaintances. Maybe the passage of time, and the good shows about being transgendered, i.e., the ones on The Discovery Channel and other similar networks that take the subject seriously, as opposed to the Jerry Springer type freak shows, have had an impact since the days that I cowered in fear of my coworkers ever finding out about me. I only wish that I could have been born thirty years later. Fortunately for me, my beautiful sister and my lovely niece were very cool about it when I told them! Tonight I also got a very sweet hug from one of the girls in the group, when she heard my story, about being hauled off to Walter Reed Army hospital by my mother, for questioning by the Army shrinks, after my teenage cross dressing was discovered back in the sixties. Very succinctly, she related it to being examined by aliens. Another emotional connection with a kindred spirit!
We were privileged to have two new members join us at tonight's meeting. One male to female, and one female to male. We are predominantly a male to female group, but we do have a few female to male members. I would love to see more female to males. The ones we have are very young. I'm so glad they felt comfortable enough to join us.
There is an infernal mosquito buzzing about the room just now, and I know she wants to make a cocktail of my blood. I have no intention of giving in to her..........what, with West Nile Virus and all that. I told her no! Not without a condom for her proboscis. She said, "But that wouldn't be fair! We couldn't exchange bodily fluids!" "Fair for you, or for me", I said. She buzzed off in a snit, then made several very close contemptible passes, and I tried to dispatch her by clapping her between my hands, but she is so quick!
Ah ha! I just got her! Nothing but a speck on the inside of my knuckle now! There are loads of mosquitoes around here this spring. I think it's because of all the moisture left by the big snows we had over the winter, and the sustained warm temperatures this spring. I keep the windows closed but they follow me inside when I, come in.
I just started watching the 3rd season of Mad Men on DVD, while riding my stationary bike. If you haven't seen this television series about ad men and their wives in an advertising firm on NYC's Madison Avenue in the early 1960's, then you don't know what you are missing. It is TV at it's best!
As I write tonight, I am being serenaded by, The Very Best Of Diana Krall. I posted her video of Cry Me A River, in a previous post. If you missed it, thumb back a few pages and listen to her. If you like old mellow jazz standards, you will love her.
Melissa XX
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Houseflies
I've been chasing a housefly around for about a half an hour now. He's way too fast for me. I've taken several swings at him, but he's like Mahummed Ali. "Float like a butterfly", and all that. Fortunately the little hellion doesn't sting like a bee, but just buzzes around the room, annoying me as much as he can. He thinks he can outsmart me, but he's sadly mistaken. I'll get him in the end. I always do.
Here's a couple of houseflies, having fun!
Melissa XX
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Cry Me A River
I don't know how familiar any of you are with Elvis Costello's wife, Diana Krall, but if you haven't heard her, you should take a few minutes to listen to this youtube video of her playing and singing Cry Me A River. She is wonderful! So much so in fact, that I just ordered The Very Best Of Diana Krall from amazon.com. In fact I ordered two copies, and plan on giving one as a gift to someone I care for very much.
Melissa XX
Melissa XX
Apologies
Dear readers,
I'm so sorry that I have depressed you with such banal writings as of late. But it can't be helped. My muse has taken a leave of absence, and she has refused to tell me when she will be back....the bitch!
So here I am, left to my own devices, and not knowing quite what to do. My last post was a shamefully angry diatribe, bitching about the obvious. Anyone can complain about the irresponsibility of corporate entities, and their obsequious running dogs in the US congress. I don't want my blog to deteriorate into that kind of cynical vent. So, I apologize for allowing my political passions to overshadow the purpose of this blog, which is of course to discuss my own transness, not to mention that of other trans women and men. Oh sure, I will continue to talk about non-trans things in my personal life, but knowing that we all come from different political persuasions, I will try to refrain from politics.
Except for today, when I went to the grocery store, I've been en femme all week, and it's really been nice. This is especially so, since the daily temperatures have been steadily rising. Although I love the fashions of the fall and early winter months, especially the boots, corduroy, denim and leather, I just love the skin baring fashions of late spring and summer. This weekend we will get a really good taste of summer weather. Tomorrow it is foretasted to reach 87 ∘, and the following day it's supposed to get up to 90 ∘! Perfect weather to put my little short embroidered denim shorts to the test, along with a cute little white peasant top! I have also stocked up on short casual skirts for the summer. For years, I had such a hard time finding short casual denim skirts in my size, but in the last couple of years, I seem to have found a gold mine in Avenue.com! They have been a source of some very cute tops, as well!
I just wish I was six inches shorter. How depressing to have to always shop at the big girls store.
Next Friday marks the the May session of my transgender support group. We will be missing our truly lovely Madam President, who will by then be recovering from her dream come true surgery, up at the Papillon Center in Pennsylvania, under the skillful hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. Dr. McGinn, herself a MTF transsexual, was the subject of a TV documentary about a decade ago, when she transitioned.
I'm still trying to make up my mind what I want to bring to the pot luck supper next Friday . I have another frozen lasagna, and a frozen ravioli casserole, but I am still considering a tossed salad, although that will require a separate trip to the grocery store the day before, to ensure that all of the ingredients are perfectly fresh.
Decisions, decisions!
Melissa XX
I'm so sorry that I have depressed you with such banal writings as of late. But it can't be helped. My muse has taken a leave of absence, and she has refused to tell me when she will be back....the bitch!
So here I am, left to my own devices, and not knowing quite what to do. My last post was a shamefully angry diatribe, bitching about the obvious. Anyone can complain about the irresponsibility of corporate entities, and their obsequious running dogs in the US congress. I don't want my blog to deteriorate into that kind of cynical vent. So, I apologize for allowing my political passions to overshadow the purpose of this blog, which is of course to discuss my own transness, not to mention that of other trans women and men. Oh sure, I will continue to talk about non-trans things in my personal life, but knowing that we all come from different political persuasions, I will try to refrain from politics.
Except for today, when I went to the grocery store, I've been en femme all week, and it's really been nice. This is especially so, since the daily temperatures have been steadily rising. Although I love the fashions of the fall and early winter months, especially the boots, corduroy, denim and leather, I just love the skin baring fashions of late spring and summer. This weekend we will get a really good taste of summer weather. Tomorrow it is foretasted to reach 87 ∘, and the following day it's supposed to get up to 90 ∘! Perfect weather to put my little short embroidered denim shorts to the test, along with a cute little white peasant top! I have also stocked up on short casual skirts for the summer. For years, I had such a hard time finding short casual denim skirts in my size, but in the last couple of years, I seem to have found a gold mine in Avenue.com! They have been a source of some very cute tops, as well!
I just wish I was six inches shorter. How depressing to have to always shop at the big girls store.
Next Friday marks the the May session of my transgender support group. We will be missing our truly lovely Madam President, who will by then be recovering from her dream come true surgery, up at the Papillon Center in Pennsylvania, under the skillful hands of Dr. Christine McGinn. Dr. McGinn, herself a MTF transsexual, was the subject of a TV documentary about a decade ago, when she transitioned.
I'm still trying to make up my mind what I want to bring to the pot luck supper next Friday . I have another frozen lasagna, and a frozen ravioli casserole, but I am still considering a tossed salad, although that will require a separate trip to the grocery store the day before, to ensure that all of the ingredients are perfectly fresh.
Decisions, decisions!
Melissa XX
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