It was about ten years ago, and I was in a West Richmond shopping center, just before Christmas. I had just parked my pickup truck in the parking lot in front of the Regal Theaters Cineplex, and was rounding the corner of the walkway, on my way to a Barnes and Nobel bookstore, when I came face to face with a brunette thirty something woman, dressed in tight fitting jeans, a crisp white fitted shirt, and a black leather jacket. She was so absolutely gorgeous! A beautiful woman in the prime of her life, and she looked straight into my eyes, and I could tell by her her look, that she wanted me!
Until that moment I was just fine, but as soon as she gave me that look, my Gender Identity Dysphoria instantly kicked into high gear, and I couldn't wait to get in and out of the bookstore, and run to the isolation of my home out in the country, as fast as I could. Why? Because the image she was so attracted to, was a complete sham. I was in full on male mode. I was in my very early fifties at the time, and had a full beard that was partially gray. I looked like that kind of elder middle aged man, that so many women find very attractive. The trouble was that I didn't find it attractive. It was all just a front that I put on, in order to survive on my job and daily routines out in the world.
It was so frustrating to look into this beautiful woman's eyes, and see her longing, only to realize that the person she was looking at could never fulfill it. She saw an attractive man, but I was an attractive man on the surface only. If she had seen the real me, the me who wanted to be her lesbian lover, she would have been repulsed by it. I instantly knew that, and that's what sent me spiraling down into gender identity hell.
This scene has been repeated in various forms, hundreds of times in my life, but I'm not the only one to have ever experienced it. It is a curse on the innocent, that has been visited upon thousands, if not millions, who are male to female transgendered. God love each and every one of us!