Sunday, May 30, 2010

It Was Such A Frustrating Feeling!

It was about ten years ago, and I was in a West Richmond shopping center, just before Christmas. I had just parked my pickup truck in the parking lot in front of the Regal Theaters Cineplex, and was rounding the corner of the walkway, on my way to a Barnes and Nobel bookstore, when I came face to face with a brunette thirty something woman, dressed in tight fitting jeans, a crisp white fitted shirt, and a black leather jacket. She was so absolutely gorgeous! A beautiful woman in the prime of her life, and she looked straight into my eyes, and I could tell by her her look, that she wanted me!

Until that moment I was just fine, but as soon as she gave me that look, my Gender Identity Dysphoria instantly kicked into high gear, and I couldn't wait to get in and out of the bookstore, and run to the isolation of my home out in the country, as fast as I could. Why? Because the image she was so attracted to, was a complete sham. I was in full on male mode. I was in my very early fifties at the time, and had a full beard that was partially gray. I looked like that kind of elder middle aged man, that so many women find very attractive. The trouble was that I didn't find it attractive. It was all just a front that I put on, in order to survive on my job and daily routines out in the world.

It was so frustrating to look into this beautiful woman's eyes, and see her longing, only to realize that the person she was looking at could never fulfill it. She saw an attractive man, but I was an attractive man on the surface only. If she had seen the real me, the me who wanted to be her lesbian lover, she would have been repulsed by it. I instantly knew that, and that's what sent me spiraling down into gender identity hell.

This scene has been repeated in various forms, hundreds of times in my life, but I'm not the only one to have ever experienced it. It is a curse on the innocent, that has been visited upon thousands, if not millions, who are male to female transgendered. God love each and every one of us!

Melissa XX


ms.shandy said...

I really identify with this one Melissa. That is such an awful feeling. I've started to write about this very thing so many times.

bree said...

Melissa I too have the same issues. I am a very young looking 40, I get carded all the time still. Women come on to me and my sporty facade quite a bit. I think they see the way I look at them and the interest I I in their selves as something more special than what it is. I study women as I want to be one, while they think I am actually interested in them for a relationship.

I do hate the front we put up just so we fit and make others feel at ease. Does it really do anyone any good?


Sage Fallon said...

I've been there before myself, it really got to me the most for the year or so before I started transition. It scared away a lot of potential dates, but eventually I got to the point where I wouldn't date a girl without telling her that I was TG and wanted to tansition one day. It really is a curse still to know someone is attracted to me and that telling them I'm TG will probably scare them off.