Sunday, May 16, 2010

Caroline, Lisa and Lucy Are Going To France!

Caroline is already on her way, and I suppose Lisa and Lucy will join her later. Three UK sweethearts all! Unfortunately, I won't be there with them. It sucks to be half way around the world! It seems like most of the girls I've befriended here on blogger, are either in the UK or Europe, or on the west coast of the US or Canada. Curiously, Sophie is the only girl who blogs here, that I have ever met in person. As far as I know, she and I are the only ones in our local support group that have blogs. There may be others, but if there are, I haven't heard of them.

I would love to hop on a plane, and fly to France to be with Caroline, Lisa and Lucy, but I don't even have a passport. I was so wedded to my job before I retired, and my vacation time was so limited, that I never even thought to get one. Now I'm not even sure if I could get one if I wanted to. Ever since 9/11 both state and the federal governments have passed ridiculous restrictions on obtaining new official identification documents, as if the average US citizen is a prospective terrorist. Now, in order to get a simple driver's license, you have to produce a birth certificate, and a foreign birth certificate is not acceptable. I was born in Germany. My birth certificate was not only issued by German authorities, it is also written in German. Of course I was born of US parents, but how do I convince authorities of that? I have US Army discharge papers, but they are considered secondary documentation, and not accepted as a primary source of ID.

But all of that is neither here, nor there. I'm sure a way could be found around all of the obstacles our silly politicians have put in our path to ensure their constituents that they are "doing something serious" about the threat of terrorism. What bothers me most, is that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy are all seriously engaged in transition. Lucy is living to the full, Caroline is now on hormones and has just begun her RLE, and Lisa is just now beginning her full time experience. I am not even close to what these three girls are doing. I'm still half in the closet. I crossdress at home, and for support group functions, and a few other limited outings, but I could never travel abroad as me. Even if I had a valid passport, I would have to go as someone none of you would ever recognize; a 6' 2", bald headed, 61 year old male with a facial shadow, and I would just hate to do that. I know that Caroline, Lisa and Lucy would completely understand, but still, without being able to be me the whole time, I would be very uncomfortable.

I hope that all doesn't sound too neurotic. I suppose that's just something that a non-transitioning transsexual has to learn to live with. Unfortunately, some of us will always be on the outside looking in. I know there are older women who have transitioned, but let's face it; one's circumstances have to be right. You just reach a point of diminishing returns. There has to be a reasonable prospect for a truly realistic outcome, in order to undertake such a drastic change in one's life. I know that some of you have given me the sweetest compliments on the way I look, but you have only seen me in pictures. It's all an illusion. I am large! I have to wear a wig to cover my completely bald pate, which is so big, that I don't have enough remaining hair to rob from, to cover it all. This all could have been prevented if I had the proper resources when I desperately wanted to transition thirty years ago, but they simply weren't available then.

Well, life goes on, and we simply have to adjust, and learn to live with it the best we can, but my own circumstances make me so sympathetic to all of my sisters. I do adore you all so much, and wish nothing but the best for you! I will always be there to support you, in whatever you think is best for you!

On a more urgent note, I think Mothra is outside my window, and wants to come in. She has seen the distant glow of my lamps and computer screen in the night's darkness, and has been inexorably drawn to them. She's been violently flapping her wings against my screens, in a futile attempt to come inside for the last several nights. If she wasn't Mothra I might consider inviting her in. After all, my house seems to have been adopted as a home for most of her smaller cousins, and I don't really mind them at all, until I'm in bed, and the only light in the house is my bedroom TV. Then they tend to be very annoying, wanting only light upon my television screen while I'm trying to watch something boring to help me fall asleep. But she is a moth of a different color. I know she is a sympathetic character, but she is huge and has a horrific reputation for destruction. I don't dare let her in.

Melissa XX


Claire L Hallam said...

I relate closely with your experience, even if my presentation is very limited. We are where we are. I hope the girls have a great trip. Why not buy some French red wine, some French bread and cheese? Get Manon des sources on DVD. You can be there in spirit!

Sophie said...

Yes Dear, all of that does sound neurotic. Unless you are planning on kicking the bucket sometime shortly (you're not, are you?) I am not sure where a point of diminishing returns comes into play. As far as I am concerned it was at puberty when testosterone started its nastiness. The return on investment goes downhill from that point on. I have a friend who will be 70 this year and has her surgery scheduled for next month. And where are you setting the bar for a "realistic outcome"? Are we seeing the same people at that monthly meeting? You have absolutely nothing to worry about on that concern.

Caroline said...

Melissa, my geological age is not far behind yours and even at my best will never look as good as you can but hey we get to live 100% of the remaining time and I decided that I would rather be an old lady than an old man for whatever time is left. All the impossible obsticals seem to shrink once you meet them face to face, well they have done so far and I could kick myself for wasting time getting here.

In a few hours we go off grid again and head for the ferry. Sorry you can't be with us in person but you will be there in spirit, take care.

Caroline xxx

Halle said...

Melissa, I offer a fantasy... a visit I imagine... Brahms in the background, a fine dinner, some nice wine and a long chat on the relative merits and implications of living the facade vs. presenting who you really are for the rest of your days.
I also sleep less these days because of unresolvable feelings.

You really should try to do something about that i.d. thing. You never know; you might want to come to Canada some day :)

Big Hug,


Anonymous said...

I wish you were able to come over.
It would be well worth getting a passport as I am sure hoping an annual trip somewhere abroad is a feature from now on.
You could join us in 2011!

Dont give up Melissa. The future is there for our making. It can be what you make it. I know its hard but you can live the future how you wish to.
If I do ever make it to the states I will definately come to see you.

Jenny said...

I think such moments come with the territory, don't they. There are certainly parts of your post that could have come from me, such is their resonance.

I was instantly reminded of a friend from my local support group who is two years into transition and is two years older than you.

Size? Now I have to get on a plane.

VĂ©ronique said...

Very nice for Caroline, Lisa, and Lucy that they can make that trip together! I would love such a thing.

Only you know what to do with your life. I will say, however, that the age thing almost stopped me cold when I was first figuring out what to do. I thought for sure that it was too late for me. But then the Fallacy of Sunk Cost rescued me. And like Caroline, I decided that I much preferred to be an old lady than an old man. I also realize that I'm fortunate to be 5'9", not very big, with a full head of hair, and have always looked kind of femme.

Big, big hugs!

Calie said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetie. I go out, in guy mode, with my fully transitioned friends all the time. Yes, I have all my hair, but I'm all guy when I'm out with them....and they totally understand me.

And, because of that, I play the "guy part" for my full time friends. I do think, for those in their early days in transition, that having a guy play the "guy part" helps their presentation and validation in public.

I'm sure Caroline, Lucy, and Lisa would just love to have a "manly man" hanging with them.

Now, don't take that the wrong way, girl. I do know that you are 100% female inside, but if you can't present as such, you do what you gotta do...

Does this make any sense at all?

Calie xxx