Wednesday, October 6, 2010

There's Been A Great Disturbance In The Force........

........over this last week. Perhaps I'm responsible for igniting it, but in reality I think it was smoldering long before any post I ever made on the subject.

We, who have so much in common, have been in a war of words. A battle of personal perspectives, over how we self identify. I never realized what diverse passions our personal identity issues could invoke. I always assumed, that we would just naturally be an all inclusive group, regardless of our color in the spectrum of the gender rainbow.

Now, very sadly, I'm beginning to wonder. I guess I was just naive, thinking that I could be thought of as an equal, regardless of my life's uncontrollable circumstances, and yes indeed, regardless of what some who have never known me may think, they were circumstances out of my control.

Even though I suffered the same mishap in the womb as all of you, suddenly I feel somewhat alienated. Like I'm some kind of a second class transwoman, because I was unable to grab the brass ring. Sadly, this feeling of alienation comes not from the homo, or trans-phobic cretins that I normally expected it to come from, but from some of our own sisters, who for their own reasons, are unable, or unwilling to offer anything more than token sisterhood to us, unless we have followed them down to the very end their own personal path. Have they forgotten one of the basic laws of the universe...........that everything is relative?

I am deeply hurt over this, but for now I will say no more. I love all of you too much, so I will not be going anywhere. I know that some of you genuinely do care for all of us, even though you feel some of us are not quite in your league. I guess for now, that will just have to be good enough, because I'm not about to start shunning anyone. As I said, I love you all too much.

Melissa XX


Jenny said...

I do hope my post the other day wasn't to blame for your despondency, if so you have my apologies.

When I wrote my final sentence I was thinking of my friend J, about whose driving I wrote a post back in July. J is the most effortless woman I've met in this sphere, to steal a phrase from someone else, she quacks like a duck - and then some. How many years post-op is she? She isn't. She's about five years older than you and like me or Calie she'd be off to the doc tomorrow if she didn't care deeply about her wife. She doesn't need any judgement on her womanhood, it's evident for all to see. I suspect you may have something in common with her.

My point? If you feel you quack, tell those who say you don't to quack off!

Amy K. said...

Bah. Silly people. Don't ever let anyone tell you who you are (or who you aren't). Next they'll be saying you're not a real woman because you don't have a uterus or ovaries. Wait a minute... neither do they!

Don't pay `em no never mind. The ones who matter know who you are and love you for who you are. *hugs*

Leslie Ann said...

I don't know the specific trigger for you, but I have felt the chill too, from time to time. Most of our sisters are plenty inclusive, but there are some that like to do the Superior Dance. Disregard 'em and remember who your friends are. We know some dance steps that are nearly as intoxicating.

Melissa said...

Jenny dear, of course I don't blame your post for my current feelings! As I said, I suspect this has been smoldering for a long time before I ever posted on it. I think my T-Central blog may have fanned the flames, but I certainly didn't light the fire.

No sweetie, I think you and I are much closer on this, since I think our upbringing may have major similarities. I never went to an all boys school, but our 1950's & 1960's US public schools were very sexist institutions, and I did spend three years in the Army, including nearly a year and half in Vietnam. My father was also a social conservatives military man, who sent me to an Army shrink in 1966, when he and my mother discovered I was cross dressing right after high school. They were absolutely agahst, and felt that something had to be done to cure me. Unfortunately, their military psychiatrist's cure, which consisted of a total lack of respect for my privacy, and a completely counter-productive course of aversion therapy, just sent me deeper into the closet, and made my situation even worse.

Don't worry Jenny. My blog was not addressed to you, or any others who have shown a sense of inclusiveness.

Melissa XX

Melissa said...


I never once felt that way about you! Thank you sweetie so much, for your support! It's such a shame that we live over 2,000 miles apart! I have a couple of blue tailed skinks living on my rear deck, that you could add to your menagerie! Seeing as how they are, lizards, they should get along fine with your iguana, as long as he doesn't develop a taste for cannibalism. :-D But I'm sure that Iguanas are strict vegetarians!

Melissa XX

Melissa said...

Leslie Ann,

Sometime I don't know which one of us is more neurotic! :-D I know that we are both deeply emotional, and both of us are strongly affected by our dysphoria and other's reactions to it.

Thanks for your support, sweetie, it means a lot!

Melissa XX

Dru Marland said...

I was observing some of that stuff without commenting, because I was a bit preoccupied. There are always going to be people who want to draw lines in the sand, and the line in the sand is always going to have them on the 'right' side of the line. It says more about them than anyone else, and it doesn't say anything nice. Life is elsewhere... remember that bit in that spaghetti western, where the bloke in the bathtub shoots the bloke who came in with a gun and then says "if you're going to shoot, shoot, don't talk about it..." -which might not be particularly apposite, but you know what I mean :-)

Leslie Ann said...

*sigh* I thought I was hiding my neuroses better.

Tina said...

Hi Melissa, I almost never comment of these kind of posts because I prefer to just ignore that we have such prejudice among ourselves. The entire human race tends to be very clannish by nature, sad as it may be. Fortunately, I've never experienced this on a personal level, or I'm just ignoring it. Either way, I choose to just let people define me at will as I don't feel I can control their perceptions anyway. As long as we know who we are, other peoples opinions have little bearing on my life....or yours. Keep being YOU sister!

Peace Out,
<3 Tina

Melissa said...

As always Dru,

I just adore you! :-)

Melissa XX

Melissa said...

Hi Tina!

I know you are good friends with Leslie Ann, and Shannon, so you must be a pretty good girl yourself! I mean, "birds of a feather".......and all!

Thanks for the support, dear! That was very sweet!

Melissa XX

Halle said...

I only wish we could be ‘birds of a feather’. Unlike you, I have given serious thought in the last few days to pulling the plug, pulling up tent pegs, taking my ball and bat and heading home. If I didn’t still hate where I came from, and love so many of the folk I only know because of this home away, it would be done now. I know now that becoming what I should have been, to do what so many here seem to be able to do, will never be reality for me. I will never be ‘equal’.
My mom told me ‘life isn’t easy’, so does the Buddha. I came to learn. Why will I tolerate implied criticism some more? I still have much to learn I guess. I will ultimately stay because of the gentle caring support of people who, like you have here, lay it out without judgment; you put it forward with love. Thank you for staying and putting up with us. I am so sorry you have been hurt.

Dani said...

Hi, Melissa! Not to worry, you're loved! I can't quite understand all the wailing and gnashing of teeth from some in the community over issues of self identification, as if in some way we're trying to force some kind of ajenda. The one thing that SHOULD be an anathema to any of us is someone trying to tell us who and what we are, haven't we all had enough of that? Denial of self identification is straight from the Transphobe playbook and I would've hoped that we're all better than that, but evidently not all of us are! Don't pay them any mind!

Lucy Melford said...

I'd like to say something reassuring too.

I really dislike definitions. What's the point of them? Nobody ever agrees, and even supposing one could be properly and correctly 'defined', a person will change and develop as time goes by and then no longer quite fit the definition.

I just about see a purpose in a diagnosis - which is a kind of definition - for the purpose of getting treatment. But this awful 'I am, but you are not' approach gets us nowhere except into rival camps. It probably has a lot to do with a basic human need to feel one has 'advanced' or 'graduated' - in other words made some measurable progress towards a goal. And maybe there is also a dubious desire, equally human of course, to sort people into those who are 'serious and committed' and those who are 'just playing with the idea'. A notion that is prevalent in sport and career-building as well as in our world. That leads to placing people in some kind of pecking order, with the ones judged least worthy sneered at. How odious.

I have often felt that I can't be a 'real' transsexual because I didn't go through an especially weird or repressed childhood, or ever had gross sexual problems, or had agonies of indecision once I recognised my condition. And I do sometimes feel a bit of a fraud when others complain of desperate mood swings and I don't have them, or nipples so tender and sore that they cry, when mine have merely been a tiny bit sensitive. Nevertheless I tell myself that for every person who suffers, some will not; or else take the pain in some other way. But we are all going through a process for the same reason, and are certainly all equal in the eyes of the medical profession.

I have so much sympathy for those who cannot transition because of the damage it would do to their loved ones. Having gone ahead and wreaked such damage, I can easily see why they hesitate. And I also see how they themselves might be damaged by applying the brakes and holding back. I do fear that you can't sit on the volcano indefinitely without consequences.

I reject the idea that post-op transsexuals are somehow 'better'. They have simply had the urge and the opportunity to get surgery, and have not 'proved' anything, except that perhaps they have some raw courage about being cut up and hoping to survive. I am always interested in their experience of surgery, which seems as varied as people themselves. But when I am myself post-op I won't be looking down on those who haven't gone so far. If I seem to, then please slap me down hard.


LeAnne said...


I understand! After I had unwittingly started a 'discussion' because of a confession that I chose to post and easily could have just kept my feelings to myself and then everyone whom reads our blogs would never have known!
However, I didn't. I felt horrible!! I took the post down. That was wrong. I put the post up again, that was wrong. I was afraid to touch the 'beast' that I had unwittingly let out! I was confused, annoyed at myself, and felt really bad.
After that, I wrote another post that I was saving if this were to ever happen to me again. I cannot think of a better time than now to post it.
I have even thought about not having a comment option on my posts! Still may do that.

Anyway, you are a strong person, Melissa. You are doing the right thing writing about your thoughts, feelings, actions, just as anyone else does.
Isn't that why we maintain a blog??

Love you!

Veronica said...

There's only one person who can tell if they are transsexual, and that's the person themselves. There is no real diagnosis (just an official one). To me, it doesn't matter whether a person has transitioned or not. The person knows.

Nonetheless, I think there is room for civilized disagreement on issues. Issues, not people.

What hurt the most was hearing that anyone who disagrees is (a) emotionally immature, (b) has no respect for others' autonomy, (c) is prejudiced, (d) is trying to impose a hierarchy. Maybe those things are true of some. But a lot of people got tarred with that brush.

Melissa, I think you are a sweet and wonderful person. You've always been amazingly good to me. I hope I have always treated you with respect, as has been my intent. But sometimes we will disagree on things. We're human.

Elly said...

You're a gret person Melissa and perhaps some we will meet. Thanks for all your help.

Hugs, Elly

mrslickiv6 said...

I'm sorry you where/or have been hurt or offended. I'd take the statements made to be by a bigoted egotistical male. Some people still think that SRS is the golden solution to all gender problems. they fail to understand there are levels (in transition) that are harder to cross, because of mental, phyical, family situations. I think it's time for US THE READERS of this blog to stand and be very aware of such discouraging comments, to write back and challenge the writer asking "do you not realize every transgender's life experience is different?" "Why do you think that you are so superior to others? I also notice that some of these comment are signed Anonymous I guess they can dish it out but cann't take back! Melissa please remember you friend enjoy your discussion and WE would never want to offend you. I truely enjoy your (lively ) blog

ms.shandy said...

Anyone who sets out to divide the trans community into castes is probably insecure and looking for an esteem boost. We are a community separated by both tangible biological choices, and maybe even more importantly the objectives that drive us to make those decisions. However these differences are not grounds for anyone to feel superior. Different paths are not better or worse but simply different.

Dru Marland said...

Powerful snake oil you've got there, Anne. I couldn't resist the challenge to at least visit your blog... but there is a difference between 'opinion' and 'reality', as I'm sure you're aware.

Amy K. said...

Heya Melissa! We have some stripey brown skinks here in AZ. I think they're called 'mountain skinks.' Green iguanas are herbivores, yes (unlike other species of iguana), but should not be kept with other lizards. That said, give me a couple years, as I'd love to come visit you in VA someday. :)

Dru Marland said...

It would be the objective reality that you appear to arrogate in your previous post. How far removed your opinions may be from that state is not for either of us to say.

My reality kinda works for me, here and in the, er, real world. But it's just mine. If you see what I mean.

Calie said...

Melissa, I couldn't even imagine you as anything other than that beautiful Diane Keaton look-alike I see in your picture and the woman I read in your writing.

And, yes, I do know the feeling...

Calie xxx