But not like much of a man either. Feeling like a man, is pretty much out of the question for me anymore. That's one of the hazards of not being on HRT. My natural testosterone levels are normally quite low, and have been for a very long time, but my estrogen levels apparently fluctuate, and with that fluctuation comes an ebb and flow of my feminine feelings. I don't know what causes these ebbs and flows, but I hate them. When my natural estrogen levels are up, I love myself and feel great, but when they are low, I'm a miserable self loathing wretch. Last summer they must have been at peak level, because I was very happy and felt very confident about who I was and where I was going. This continued through the fall, and up through Christmas, but after the holidays, the bottom seemed to drop out, and for the passed month I have felt like I've been living in an emotional limbo. It's a miserable place to be. Neither here, nor there! It doesn't sit well with my soul, which is very feminine and empathic, but the last few days I have had inklings of a returning of empathy, and along with it, a renewed sense of feminine self. It may have been the heartbreak of watching the inexcusable suffering of the Haitian people after their tragic earthquake. It may be some of the responses to your blogs, like Dana, and the wonderful empathy she has shown for her transgendered 16 year old daughter, or sweet Calie's emotional response to it or, Fiona, and the abject rejection of her, by her absolutely horrible father. It may be my absolute joy over Nicky's hilarious description of her first pee, after having her catheter removed two weeks after her Gender Reassignment Surgery. Who knows? It may just be my love and concern for all of you, and all of the stories of your lives. Whether it's hormonal or simply a recognition of kindred emotional spirits, I hope I continue on this track. I miss the strong emotional connection. I don't want to lose it!