Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Haven't Been Feeling Much Like A Girl Lately

But not like much of a man either. Feeling like a man, is pretty much out of the question for me anymore. That's one of the hazards of not being on HRT. My natural testosterone levels are normally quite low, and have been for a very long time, but my estrogen levels apparently fluctuate, and with that fluctuation comes an ebb and flow of my feminine feelings. I don't know what causes these ebbs and flows, but I hate them. When my natural estrogen levels are up, I love myself and feel great, but when they are low, I'm a miserable self loathing wretch. Last summer they must have been at peak level, because I was very happy and felt very confident about who I was and where I was going. This continued through the fall, and up through Christmas, but after the holidays, the bottom seemed to drop out, and for the passed month I have felt like I've been living in an emotional limbo. It's a miserable place to be. Neither here, nor there! It doesn't sit well with my soul, which is very feminine and empathic, but the last few days I have had inklings of a returning of empathy, and along with it, a renewed sense of feminine self. It may have been the heartbreak of watching the inexcusable suffering of the Haitian people after their tragic earthquake. It may be some of the responses to your blogs, like Dana, and the wonderful empathy she has shown for her transgendered 16 year old daughter, or sweet Calie's emotional response to it or, Fiona, and the abject rejection of her, by her absolutely horrible father. It may be my absolute joy over Nicky's hilarious description of her first pee, after having her catheter removed two weeks after her Gender Reassignment Surgery. Who knows? It may just be my love and concern for all of you, and all of the stories of your lives. Whether it's hormonal or simply a recognition of kindred emotional spirits, I hope I continue on this track. I miss the strong emotional connection. I don't want to lose it!

Melissa XX


Naukishtae said...

The Moon controls the ebb and flow of a woman's emotions and the cycles of her being.. there are always ups and downs, but as an empath you will feel the ebb and flow of those you come in contact with, as well as your own.. sometimes it is hard for us to know that it is someone else's emotion that we are feeling.. we have to learn to separate them out, and not take on the emotions or pain, that we see in others, just for our own well being.. it doesn't mean we should fight the feeling we feel in others.. but just know it is someone else's and not our own.. feeling others pain, joy, etc.. is a great blessing, and a curse as well.. being empathic, we can see the need in others, and help them on their journey through this life..

I am sure you are very special to all of us who read your blog.. I know you have touched my life with what you have written.. and on occasion my soul.. you mean a lot to me.. and I am sure others feel the same way..

I have been worried about you all week.. being a Two-Spirit, I feel a lot of the same ebbs and flows of emotion..

Be Blessed my friend.. know that I hold you before the Goddess each day..

Naukishtae XOXO

Anonymous said...

Hello again Melissa
I have missed reading your blog and I am so pleased to be home again and have the time to catch up with you.

I'm sorry for the emotional roller coaster ride you have been on over the last year. Do you think any of it could also be related to the light and weather and the fact you have not been out so much over the winter? I get a little 'cabin fever' myself by January and long for the sun to come out and warm the house again.

All I want to say really is, I really value knowing you and have always enjoyed your blog from day one, as I hope my comments have expressed in the past. You are funny, intelligent, creative and couragous and I'm saddened that you have been feeling so low.
I am sending you some barmy warm sunshine from the Cornish coast of England to warm your soul today.

Helen x

Sophie said...

Hi Melissa! I vote for cabin fever myself. We can call it Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to be fancy. Have you been getting out at all or just staying snuggled up in your cave?

BTW, testosterone levels fluctuate on a annual basis and usually reach their low point as spring approaches. Your natural levels may be low, but if they are still there at all they will probably follow the natural cycle.

Calie said...

Oh sweetie, I look at that picture of you and read what you write and you are all girl.

I do think many of us have been blessed(?) with an abundance of empathy. Goes with the territory?

The emotional connection I have with so many of the bloggers is good for me. It is a way I can express my femme side. The Dana/Jamie story is really the only blog that has had a negative affect on me. It hit me hard. It is a beautiful story, but it has also brought out some deep, suppressed emotions in me that has not been healthy for my psyche.

And how about our Nicky and her new plumbing? I loved that story!

Calie xxx