"I am a woman, trapped in the body of a man". How many times have we heard this cliche? How many times have we repeated it, ourselves? Frankly, every time I hear it, it makes me cringe. I would really like to be taken seriously, and I don't think that simpistic cliche has helped. In fact I've heard it referenced more in tranny jokes, than in serious discussions of transsexualism.
First of all, let me say for the record that I am transsexual. I have always identified with females. I have always been envious of females, and have wanted to express myself in the same ways they do. I have always known that I was not like other boys, but until I first heard the word transsexual, I didn't know what I was. I just thought I was weird. Once I learned about transsexualism, I knew what I was. That self diagnosis was confirmed in the early mid eighties, by a psychiatrist I visited.
Now, I have heard many transsexuals say they always knew they were women trapped in the bodies of men, but I have never bought it. Is that truly how they felt, or were they simply grasping for a relevant description, and mimicking the projections of others, who were mimicking the projections of others before them? The reason that I say this, is because what constitutes a woman, is so subjective, and that cliche has been around for so long. The first time I heard it, was way back in the sixties.
I have never once in my entire life, honestly thought that I was a woman trapped in the body of a man. To be honest, what I have always been, is a very desperate, lonely male, who has longed to be what he thought was a girl, for as long as he has lived, and please, no disgusting references to the scientifically dubious diagnosis of autogynophilia. God that term makes me grate my teeth! No, to be a woman trapped in the body of a man, I would have to be genetically female, with male genitalia. In other words, inter-sexed.
Does all of this make me any less female than genetically born females, or even even post-op transsexual women. Considering that it is my brain that makes me identify with females, I am essentially female where I live, inside my head, and in my heart. I don't know for sure, but I think the major difference between my sister and me, is that I have a more pronounced male side than she does. I think every one has both a male and female side. My emotional side is 100% female, Maybe that explains why I tear up at the drop of a hat. My intellectual side however, feels more although not entirely male. I think that is because my intellectual side stems from my father rather than my mother, and I used his personality as a model to fabricate the male persona, that I needed to survive in our gender binary world.
Does any of this make any sense to any of you, or do you think I'm, way out in left field? I know that as transsexuals we want validation, and validation starts with our own self image, but do we have to become intellectually dishonest, and make illogical claims to others, in an attempt to gain validation from them? Wouldn't it be more intellectually honest to simply admit, that although we were born as males, our brains were feminized in the womb, and consequently we would rather live lives femininely expressed?
OK. I've said it. I'm now ready to be lead off to the stocks. Please, just make sure that the fruit and vegetables aren't too rotten. Rotten vegetables on the face, always makes me gag.