Monday, June 7, 2010
Out For Delivery At 7:31 AM, Delivered At 9:10 PM!
You'd think I lived in Timbuktu for it to take that long, but the UPS terminal is only 50 miles away. I flipped the light on and opened the door. As the driver climbed my steps, I said, "Boy! You're sure working late tonight!" As he handed me the package addressed to Melissa, he said, "Yeah, you're my last delivery tonight." ..........His last delivery?......Really?
UPS deliveries are supposed to be delivered by 7:00 PM. When I was still working, and all of my packages were addressed to my male name, deliveries consistently arrived by 9:30 - 10:30 AM. Packages were always left at my back door. But once I retired, I started receiving many packages addressed to Melissa.
I live primarily as Melissa when I'm at home, which means of course that I sleep in either a night gown, or a pair of women's pajamas. Since I've retired, I've pretty much become a night owl, staying up til 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. So I usually don't get up until 9:00 or 10:00 AM, and unless I have to grass to cut, or have some other outdoor chore to do, I usually stay in my night gown or pajamas, until after lunch at 1:30, or 2:00 PM, so I'm in no condition to greet people at my door. After lunch, it's exercise time for an hour on my stationary bike. This is normally done in a pair of elastic waist knit shorts, a tank top, and my white and baby blue New Balance cross trainers. What I do from then on, depends on what I have to do for the rest of the day. If I have to go to my mom's, or take care of any kind of official business, then I revert back to male mode, but if I don't, then I go into full Melissa mode, compete with hair (wig unfortunately, because of my alopeciated pate.) and makeup. It's usually anywhere from 4-6:00 PM by the time I'm showered, dressed and made up, depending on how early a start I get.
Now.....for the UPS deliveries. At first upon my retirement, they came regularly in the morning as usual, and I just pretended I wasn't home when he got here, and he would leave the package on my rear deck. The trouble was, unlike when I worked, my truck was now parked in my driveway every day, and as long as I was home, he saw it whenever he made a delivery. The truck is unique. It has very distinctive Vietnam Veteran tags on it, with my former Army MOS number as my tag number. I have passed him out on the road while driving that truck as Melissa, and I know that he has seen me. He even followed me up the highway one day, to within a block from where I turn in to my subdivision, and stopped one street down from me, and watched as I got out to check my mailbox, which is located on the highway out in front of our subdivision. I know this, because when I returned to my truck, I looked down the road and saw him sitting there looking at me. I was in male mode that time. Suddenly the deliveries started coming steadily later, by one hour increments. 10:00 AM became 11:00 AM for a while, then 11:00 became 12:00, and 12:00 became 1:00, 1:00 became 2:00, etc. It became very evident that he was trying to catch Melissa at home. Last Monday he showed up at 7:15 PM, but I hadn't returned from my Monday night supper at my mother's yet, so he was forced to leave the package on the deck.
I went to my mother's for supper again this evening, in male mode as always, and stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so I didn't get home until about 8:45 PM. I was so busy unloading groceries from the truck, that I completely overlooked the fact that the package I was expecting today, hadn't arrived yet. I put all of the groceries away, and since it was nearly 9:00 PM when I got done, I decided not to do a full transformation to Melissa, and instead just put on a denim skirt, a yellow polo shirt, and a pair of thong sandals. No wig, and no makeup.
I had just settled down in front of the TV, when suddenly I heard the signature rumble of the UPS truck's diesel motor, as it pulled into my driveway. Oh shit! I thought. I completely forgot the package I was expecting today, hadn't been delivered yet. I leapt from my chair, and scrambled into the bedroom, where I ripped off the skirt I had on, shimmied into the pair of jeans I had worn to my mother's that evening, stepped into a pair of loafers, and made it to the door just as he was ascending the steps! The look was so androgynous, that he never even realized, that the jeans, the polo shirt, and the loafers, were all women's!
You know, I don't blame the guy for being curious. I probably would be too if I were him, but doesn't that kind of behavior just seem a little bit obnoxious? I mean all we want to do is live our lives in peace. This all probably seems pretty silly to those who are full time in their Real Life Experience, or post-op, but really, haven't we've all been there?
The kicker? After he left, I pulled up my UPS tracking number on the internet, to see his final entry. It said, "Left With Man".
Screw him! One of these days he's going to be greeted at my door, by a 6'2" woman with an amorous smile. I hope it scares the living shit out of him! *wicked evil grin*
You just have to listen to this fabulous song: