Monday, June 7, 2010

Out For Delivery At 7:31 AM, Delivered At 9:10 PM!

You'd think I lived in Timbuktu for it to take that long, but the UPS terminal is only 50 miles away. I flipped the light on and opened the door. As the driver climbed my steps, I said, "Boy! You're sure working late tonight!" As he handed me the package addressed to Melissa, he said, "Yeah, you're my last delivery tonight." ..........His last delivery?......Really?

UPS deliveries are supposed to be delivered by 7:00 PM. When I was still working, and all of my packages were addressed to my male name, deliveries consistently arrived by 9:30 - 10:30 AM. Packages were always left at my back door. But once I retired, I started receiving many packages addressed to Melissa.

I live primarily as Melissa when I'm at home, which means of course that I sleep in either a night gown, or a pair of women's pajamas. Since I've retired, I've pretty much become a night owl, staying up til 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. So I usually don't get up until 9:00 or 10:00 AM, and unless I have to grass to cut, or have some other outdoor chore to do, I usually stay in my night gown or pajamas, until after lunch at 1:30, or 2:00 PM, so I'm in no condition to greet people at my door. After lunch, it's exercise time for an hour on my stationary bike. This is normally done in a pair of elastic waist knit shorts, a tank top, and my white and baby blue New Balance cross trainers. What I do from then on, depends on what I have to do for the rest of the day. If I have to go to my mom's, or take care of any kind of official business, then I revert back to male mode, but if I don't, then I go into full Melissa mode, compete with hair (wig unfortunately, because of my alopeciated pate.) and makeup. It's usually anywhere from 4-6:00 PM by the time I'm showered, dressed and made up, depending on how early a start I get.

Now.....for the UPS deliveries. At first upon my retirement, they came regularly in the morning as usual, and I just pretended I wasn't home when he got here, and he would leave the package on my rear deck. The trouble was, unlike when I worked, my truck was now parked in my driveway every day, and as long as I was home, he saw it whenever he made a delivery. The truck is unique. It has very distinctive Vietnam Veteran tags on it, with my former Army MOS number as my tag number. I have passed him out on the road while driving that truck as Melissa, and I know that he has seen me. He even followed me up the highway one day, to within a block from where I turn in to my subdivision, and stopped one street down from me, and watched as I got out to check my mailbox, which is located on the highway out in front of our subdivision. I know this, because when I returned to my truck, I looked down the road and saw him sitting there looking at me. I was in male mode that time. Suddenly the deliveries started coming steadily later, by one hour increments. 10:00 AM became 11:00 AM for a while, then 11:00 became 12:00, and 12:00 became 1:00, 1:00 became 2:00, etc. It became very evident that he was trying to catch Melissa at home. Last Monday he showed up at 7:15 PM, but I hadn't returned from my Monday night supper at my mother's yet, so he was forced to leave the package on the deck.

I went to my mother's for supper again this evening, in male mode as always, and stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so I didn't get home until about 8:45 PM. I was so busy unloading groceries from the truck, that I completely overlooked the fact that the package I was expecting today, hadn't arrived yet. I put all of the groceries away, and since it was nearly 9:00 PM when I got done, I decided not to do a full transformation to Melissa, and instead just put on a denim skirt, a yellow polo shirt, and a pair of thong sandals. No wig, and no makeup.

I had just settled down in front of the TV, when suddenly I heard the signature rumble of the UPS truck's diesel motor, as it pulled into my driveway. Oh shit! I thought. I completely forgot the package I was expecting today, hadn't been delivered yet. I leapt from my chair, and scrambled into the bedroom, where I ripped off the skirt I had on, shimmied into the pair of jeans I had worn to my mother's that evening, stepped into a pair of loafers, and made it to the door just as he was ascending the steps! The look was so androgynous, that he never even realized, that the jeans, the polo shirt, and the loafers, were all women's!

You know, I don't blame the guy for being curious. I probably would be too if I were him, but doesn't that kind of behavior just seem a little bit obnoxious? I mean all we want to do is live our lives in peace. This all probably seems pretty silly to those who are full time in their Real Life Experience, or post-op, but really, haven't we've all been there?

The kicker? After he left, I pulled up my UPS tracking number on the internet, to see his final entry. It said, "Left With Man".

Screw him! One of these days he's going to be greeted at my door, by a 6'2" woman with an amorous smile. I hope it scares the living shit out of him! *wicked evil grin*

You just have to listen to this fabulous song:

Melissa XX


Lucy Melford said...

Yes, we're not freak shows. If you were curious about HIM in the same way, he'd soon have something to say to you about taking an unwanted interest in him. I do hope you give him a good eyeful one day, Melissa!

Strange that the Viet Nam veteran things on your truck don't generate full respect for you, no matter what your personal appearance.

I'm slightly less than a nightbird than you are, but being retired also, my typical day is much on the same lines. Unlike you, I live in a suburban road with neighbours to see my comings and goings. This was once a matter for fear. Now that's long past and I actually like being seen, and I wear whatever girly stuff I like out of doors.

The other day a toung salesman came round trying to get me to change my electricity and gas supplier. I tackled him in summertime gear, showing bare arms and lots of chest. I don't think he had any doubts that he was talking to anyone other than Miss Lucy Melford, the fifty-something daughter of the old folk who used to live in the house.


Stace said...

I can't stand UPS over here. They caused me so much grief earlier this year when I sent my amp back to the UK for repair. I gave them two addresses 'pick up' and 'billing' and paid by credit card.

Turns out they decided not to use the credit card that I supplied, not use the billing address that I provided, but to just send the bill to the pick up address where the finance department duely entered it into their system and sent it to my boss for approval. That got some strange questions. Then they refused to fix the issue. Grr.

They did do a good one a few years ago though. The gearbox on the spit died and I UPS'ed back to the UK for repair. To get it back to Holland I had to use the guranteed delivery as I needed time off of work to be there when it arrived. Delivery before 10:30 or delivery free. It arrived at 10:40 and they had to cancel the 400GBP delivery cost :)

Oh, and been there with the skirt and doorbell situation. It's not funny at the time is it? :)


Jenny said...

I too have had someone unexpectedly at the door while en femme. Ah, the comedy quick-change!

Why don't you answer the door as Melissa while exercising your right as granted by the second amendment? That'd *really* scare him!

Melissa said...

@ Jenny

LOL! What kind of heat do you recommend I show up at the door with? A nine mm Glok, or a twelve gauge Mossberg pump?

Unfortunately, all I have is an old Daisy BB/ Pellet rifle, that is probably too rusty to even fire anymore.

Melissa XX

Jenny said...

I dunno, something between Lara Croft and the Sigourney Weaver character from Alien perhaps.

On a more serious note, there is something of the weirdo about his actions. Would a phone call to his supervisors be in order?

Véronique said...

Seems a bit past curious and verging on stalking to me, but hopefully it's not as bad as it sounds. Yes, you should give him an eye full someday. :)

As for all having been there, I'm afraid I was pretty much the opposite. I dressed up only to go out. In the house, it was and is all about comfort. Nothing very sex-specific, and definitely not sexy, unless it happens to be summer.

Véronique said...

Forgot to say -- cool song, cool video!

Melissa said...


He was delivering those two bottles of OPI Nail Envy, that I ordered. After you told me that's what you regularly used, I wanted to try it. I don't know why used UPS to send two little bottles of nail polish. They used the US Postal Service to send me my new eplilator. That also arrived yesterday, but in my mailbox.

As far as the clothes go, at nearly 62, I don't do sexy either. :-) I mostly wear the same very casual comfortable clothing that you see the average women on the street wear, like jeans, shorts, denim skirts, or capris, paired with a casual feminine tee or tunic. I rarely ever wear heels anymore, they're too uncomfortable. The wig and makeup is because, I can't stand to see a male face and bald head staring back at me when I look in the mirror. I usually keep the makeup pretty natural looking, with the exception that I do play up the eyes a little with eyeliner and mascara, but go very light and natural on the eye shadow. I never used blues or greens, usually just a light smokey brown.

Glad you liked song and video. I just discovered her music not too long ago, and she is currently one of my favorites. It seems that a lot of the best talent comes from north of the border.

Melissa XX

Véronique said...

If Nail Envy works for you, you should be able to get it at salons that do nails. Used to be only at salons (snob appeal, maybe), but I've seen it at London Drugs here, so maybe they're going into pharmacies in the States as well.

I still do sexy, but in a mature way. :)

lisalisa said...

I remember similar incidences where I had to change or shout things out from an upstairs window. A bit of a pannic at the time but looking back it was rather funny.

Anne said...

Hi All.

I have following this thread with some interest in that in a small way it seems reflective of the small trials and tribulations of being gender varient. Specifically I am interested because as I mentioned on another blog, I have been asked to offer my views on the various aspects of Transgenderism and what the "professionals" view as their treatment options.

Despite my disclaimers of
'lack of formal expertise', my unsolicited comments always seemed to get me invited to these things.

So this time I have decided to actually try and bring something other than my own personal biases and perspectives. It would be a great help to me and more importantly to the 'recipiants' of my presentation if I could better understand YOUR methods of "dealing with", "coping with", living with "TRANSGENDERISM" and/or "GENDER VARIENCE". These are the terms that I use.

The new DSM-5 seems to be changing the language from "Gender Identity Disorder" to "Gender Incongruence" in an effort to "de-pathologize" this condition. Is this a good thing? I would really like to hear about YOUR perspectives on this.

Thank You Anne

Melissa said...

@ Anne

Re: The new DSM-5 seems to be changing the language from "Gender Identity Disorder" to "Gender Incongruence" in an effort to "de-pathologize" this condition. Is this a good thing? I would really like to hear about YOUR perspectives on this.


Absolutely it's a good thing! Gender Incongruousness is a natural occurrence, certainly not a disease. The fact that it has been treated as a pathology for so long, is what has allowed society to stigmatize the transgendered. Gender variance can be easily recognized in early childhood, if parents have open minds, and haven't been conditioned to be ashamed of it. Then, instead of stigmatizing the gender variant child, his/her gender identity can be nurtured and encouraged, resulting in their healthy mental development.

Melissa XX

Calie said...

No, he will write down something like:

"You won't believe this, but I saw Diane Keaton today. Left a package with her".

Calie xxx